Long time no speak....nothing too new to report

It's been 2 solid years since I last visited my blog...I so would like to say that it's because I've been living my very own romantic comedy, but it's just not so.

There are probably more things that have happened in the past 2 years than I even remember to comment on...so I won't even try.

Non-singleness related things have occurred and those have been cool:

1) I bought a condo
2) I finished my book - I'm working on query letters at present
3) I started a new job. I work at SMU now as an Academic Advisor
4) I started another grad program. MS in Counseling
5) I joined 2 community bands
6) I am now a Teaching Artist for Dancing Classrooms of North Texas (AMAZING)

I think that's about it.

On the guy front...or project hubby hunt...I'm falling short...not that I've been doing a huge amount of 'putting myself out there.' Life's a struggle.

Let's see...highlights....

1) BG is....he just is....at some point say in like early September we had a conversation where I think what I learned was that I am squarely in the friend-zone and despite behaviors (on his end) that have hinted otherwise, I've always been there because....drum roll please....he's still kinda attached or struggling with releasing slash being released from his most recent ex-girlfriend. Isn't that freaking magical?!? Punch. I'm an idiot who should listen to her gut a little (lotta bit) more.

2) J. Silva took me to his military ball and it was fun and then life got weird when he told me that I was beautiful and he wanted to get to know me better....think about how that could go and then it did and it sucks because I'm not attracted to him. I shamed myself because I led him on for a night because I selfishly just wanted/appreciated the attention...but...there is no but...that 'friendship' is probably broken.

3) I became friends with a navy guy that I thought was just an interesting world traveler. Come to find out he's like old (40) and married.....totally inappropriate. We've had a drink on occasion but despite my dangerous behavior, I'm not an idiot or that girl so we don't talk about anything substantive and 1 drink is as much as I'll let him buy me. I will say he needs to get his life under control. He's in general inappropriate and probably has no trouble cheating on his wife.

4) I went speed dating - that was interesting...in the most uninteresting way. I met and chatted with 8 guys....8 duds. Bitter divorcee, socially awkward underachiever, beer/liquor guy who was actually nice but not the one for me, introverted lawyer, supposed movie-lover ex-engineer, UNT regular speed-dater, nervous chuckler project manager, and the Colorado traveler. It was certainly an experience that while it had me more anxious than I knew how to cope it didn't really yield any of the emotions I was hoping for. After I saw all the options I was just deflated.

5) 2 of my ex-students are incidentally trying me...one doesn't realize it...he's just very handsome, but oh so little (just turned 21) and the other...I think what he's doing is very intentional...he will call like once every two weeks just to shoot the breeze. I appreciate the 'just cause' call b/c that's not real in any other context....but I wish it wasn't him that was doing the 'just cause' calling. :(

6) Looks-wise I was momentarily attracted to the new pastor at church. He's in the age range and has the look, but he showed himself unreliable and too many other's are all into him...he's got hype that that ship had no choice but to sail

7) Good geez....I forgot the most uncomfortable experience ever....I went on an accidental date with one of the ADs at work. I thought we were doing a co-worker outing to the Opera...actually there's a long story to it...I thought he was giving me tickets, but then it turned out he was actually asking me out. Good geez...then while we're out he held my hand and tried to kiss me...it was altogether uncomfortable and just wrong. I avoided him for like a month and then eventually he apologized and I still stayed distant and things got back to normal. Here recently he's starting to get a little too close during conversations so...we'll keep our eyes peeled.

I think that's been all that's quasi important. A new year is almost upon us so we shall see what 2014 will hold.

So, I'm not sure what to think...

...I looked at myself in the mirror today and running the risk of sounding a bit conceited, I will say I am quite pretty. There was definitely a time when that word wasn't even close to being in my vocabulary. I hated the look of my face, my hair, my eyes, my nose, my everything. But I've definitely had a metamorphosis and the me I am at present is a happier, more pleasant and appreciative of the person she sees in the mirror each morning. With all that said...I have to stop and wonder...what the h am I doing wandering around this place called Earth all by my lonesome? I have a pretty good head on my shoulders; I'm pretty rational. I've been told I'm comical. I have goals and follow through. I am sweet, loyal and genuine. I feel like in general I have some awesome qualities and they're all wrapped in a nice package...so....yeah...that's all I have..."so...yeah"

I suppose...I guess I can go ahead and review the rest of the BG files. I ended with November 2011. Um, that's all that happened then. He ended the once a month viewing in October. Nothing happened in November.

December 2011

It started off in a good place. The first 2 weeks were top notch. It was a reprise of September. He was on it. I got calls pretty regularly like every other day. There were no call backs, but there were apologies. He called while I was at work and we spoke and it was just good. He'd told me in plain English, "I want to see you", but unfortunately that did not actually result in a visit. But still, calls and contact. That ended December 16th. He spotified again and the last time we spoke was December 30th when again he asks "when am I going to see you?" and I say to him, "whenever you make time to see me". He said he wanted to see me before the break was over...ha...it is January 4th. My break was over technically on January 2nd. Big ball of confusion.

So now I'm back to...I'm not quite sure what to think.

So...a lot of life has happened since August....

...nothing about that title should say complete positive forward progress...but events nonetheless should be conveyed. I shan't recount all of them because in all honesty I've done that in another blog world...my personal journal. Here's the quick and dirty.

August 2011

Late in the month I found some gumption and I made a deal with myself to try again but try not hoping for anything remotely romantic but purely platonic or non-existent. I prepared for nothing. I sent another message and this time I included a phone number. Our conversations begin.

September 2011

Great month. We spoke pretty regularly via text and then eventually via phone. There was visual contact...that's worded oddly...he came over my mom's house and our families had dinner. We had some brief alone time picking up some rolls from Texas Roadhouse. It was good. He appreciated my shoe strings. I was smitten. Probably, definitely prematurely.

October 2011

He gets weird. After a month of steady forward progression, at the start of October he gets spotty. He called one night at work and I went to return the call. He responds not. I try again and this is the first time (not to be the last) that he again does not respond. I don't hear from him until Sunday (he called on a Thursday)...and he seemed so nonchalant about it all. This month I began charting our contact cycle (I'm doing too much, probably, but it is what it is). I conveniently  became a once a week person. Generally on Thursdays. He'd text during the early part of the day and complete the day with a very brief phone conversation that ended prematurely with a "lemme call you back" and no call back. I eventually call him out on that line because it's annoying and bothers me (mature points for me)...and he changes once. My birthday of course was at the close of the month...and despite his hot/coldness we actually saw each other that weekend (twice...lol). It was actually quite awesome. I gave him a salsa dance lesson. We spent some really supremely awesome time at the lake ...there was some flirting and it seemed like mutual attraction. He came back to the house where the family was celebrating and stayed for a while. The culmination of the night came with a piggy back ride to his car and then yeah...the following day we had a couple's massage (no one saw the others nakedness) and good conversation post massage. Fin.

November 2011

So this month started...and I can't say that anything awesome happened. We're back to spotty conversation and my Thursday date has been moved to like Wednesday for a bit and then to any other random day. I don't get texts anymore and everything seems completely screwed up. We are g-chat friends and those conversations happen occasionally...which I guess one could say replace the texting business...but smh. I don't get him like at all. I had a conversation with him about the two hims I experience in hopes to see an actual change. He even made a bold statement and said he was going to come visit to get his next dance lesson. I actually got excited and cooked food (which I told him I would if he were to come visit)...but then he didn't call or g-chat and it sucked. Um...his birthday came...couldn't celebrate it because I had work. Tried to make it up to him but he blew me off. Which brings me to present. He called Friday and we addressed me saying he blows me off often...because he apparently disagrees. He ends the call with the infamous "lemme call you back". It is Sunday and I've not heard from him. Of our conversations he claims he's going to come visit me at my apartment...but that comment had already been made and nothing came of it so I'm more than skeptical.

There's still time in the month to see him to make our once a month in-person meeting cycle complete...but I dunno...it's funny...I saw him at the end of September, October and potentially if he makes a move this week...then November too. I am just as confused about him now as I was before. I have a ton of lingering questions I want to ask him in person...but since that never happens who knows if they'll ever get answered. Also...I don't know how he thinks of me...and I'd really love to know that so I can know how to proceed. His actions send mixed signals...so I'm at a loss. With him it's 1 step forward 2 steps back. 2 steps forward 5 steps back. So inconsistent. And aren't I the queen of consistency?!? Why yes, yes I am.

I'm definitely 26...and still friggin' single and trying not to get caught up in this hot sweaty mess of a non-courtship....

yearning, n. and adj.

"At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can be perfect."

It is amazing to me how other people manage to sum things up just perfectly when I can't even begin to dream of the right words to say or the proper syntax. Thinking always has been and probably always will be the thing that separates me from the best of times and my ultimate happiness. I wish I could hide the button and really take that memo from Nike and "just do it"...whatever "it" is. 

only, adj.

"That's the dilemma, isn't it? When you're single, there's the sadness and joy of only me. And when you're paired, there's the sadness and joy of only you."

 So there have been a number of different guys who combined were the "perfect" future for me. Or so I figure. There's that dance guy who traveled and spoke different languages and in a different font and he surrendered to an otherness that I'm not sure I will ever know. There were those 2 guys where talking to them was easier than I feel like it has ever been. The words just fall out of my mouth exactly the way I imagined them before we ever began our dialogue. With them I am at ease. I am calm. I am confident, or at least blissfully unaware of any desconfianza o duda de mi. I can playfully engage and even ask others out...others that I am not in the least bit attracted to, or am fearful of their potential lack of interest in me as well. I want that...I need that...I would like that to translate to my other interactions with others. Where I don't think about the possibility of a "no". I just go with purely carnal, hedonistic wants, thoughts, and notions in my head...and that is that. If it ends with a "yes"...legit...that's what I intended. If it ends with a "not right now" then I'm like ok...I'll plan for later.

I'm random I know. I don't make sense. But I totally do. Grr. I will get over myself and do something some day. I fear if I make a plan for some day then that day will never come...so I will plan to unplan and epitomize spontaneity. I will. I must. 

I, n.

"Me without anyone else."

I am 0 for 2...shooting 0% from the field

I can't win for losing on this message thing...this is exactly the way it ended last time...I initiate...he responds...I reply responding to his inquiry...he does nothing...

I should've learned from that experience...actually I did...and then I allowed myself to be swayed by outside influences...even though I kinda definitely knew how things were going to pan out...as much as I wanted to will God and the rest of the universe to have things go in a different direction...they definitely went in the way that things kinda always go...south. boo.

It will be what it is I suppose...so time for a u-turn and back to the interstate...I wonder where I'm headed this time...

I sent a message...

...I logged onto fb...he popped up into my newsfeed and I proceeded to open and send a (hopefully) very friendly and not-at-all awkward message saying

"Hey. You randomly popped up on my newsfeed and I thought we haven't seen each other in a good while and I wondered how you were....so...how are you? What have you been up to?"

I think the wording in that first sentence may be wrong...but that's pretty close. Now it's left up to him...and well...God...if this is supposed to blossom into a real friendship then so be it...if it's not...then we all know that I will get over it and move on. I can't help be admit that my life kind of definitely hopes it's the former rather than the latter.

What's done is done.

I want to send a message...

...but I'm more than terrified to do it. It's not a big deal I don't guess...it's just a simple message...but it really is a big deal. What if he doesn't respond? What if he thinks I'm a freak/loser/weirdo...what if I'm more than wrong about his relationship status and I go off and do something more than stupid? Arg...this would be so much easier if...I dunno he were to actually send me a message instead...I'm dreaming this I know...but come one...does a girl always have to reach out. Or...it would be infinitely easier if we were to be in the same place at the same time and no technology was necessary. That's actually the optimal situation. Ugh...I kinda had a message planned out a little bit...but then I looked at his fb page and ex-gf definitely has left comments on his wall and she's commented on some of his statuses. So...I don't know what to make of that. Does that just mean that they are good friends still...or does that mean that they might re-start something? Or have they already? All questions which technically could be answered if I were to send the dang blasted message...but potentially not in the event that he doesn't actually respond...b/c he could not respond b/c he's with homie-g...or who could not respond just because he's not interested...eek...boo...

I guess I should shut up about it b/c we all know that I am not going to actually do anything slash make a move or anything. Ah...woe is me who is a coward.

I think I'm gonna try...

...really hard to not like someone and maybe that'll turn into something. I've been having a week-long Romantic Comedy marathon...and it seems as though a good recipe for finding love is be unabashedly against it...and then boom...it's there. hmm...maybe that's a new priority of mine...maybe it won't be...we shall see...right now my job is to decide to continue being a scaredy cat and not send a harmless message to one BG...or to just do it and see where it goes...what harm can come from an email? Right?....not convinced...

I have not posted...

...in what feels like an eternity...and that's not to say that life hasn't been happening...I can actually put stuff own with regard to my romantic life...well...kinda....so...I don't remember when it was, but I got bored...and of course we all know that me and boredom should not every be in collaboration with one another. But it doesn't matter 'cause it happened. I got bored and I subsequently went through the painful process that is signing up for e-harmony. Now this isn't my first time being on this site....no, it's like my 2nd. The first time was a couple of years back like right after the whole MW meltdown...Brittany made me do it. I signed up and did the free thing and only really communicated on the free communication weekends. That worked kinda, but eventually there was a pretty decent deal so I actually paid for 3 months of service. Three months. All I got were old dudes with boring professions (engineers or computer programmers or stuff like that). I even went on a date(ish) with one guy. He wasn't cute...which is the only not so great thing about not paying (b/c you don't get to see pictures). He was way too touchy-feely and I could've punched myself for actually going through with this date. So when that thing cancelled, I killed it and deleted my profile. Alright....so let's go present tense now. I don't know what I did...or what I was thinking, but I definitely signed myself up again. I was a little less intense with my requirements and I went in with...I don't know...but I did similar stuff just the free stuff and free weekends. I had gotten into conversation with 3 guys at one point (Jawanzaa, Cartez, and Stephen)...um...Jawanzaa and I were texting and I even spoke to him on the phone once...but it wasn't there...Cartez....we were just at email mode...he asked for my number and claimed that there'd be a call on the first of the year but then he didn't...so it is what it is...and then Stephen...that's the person that's been going the longest...'til yesterday I guess...um...we were supposed to hang out while I was home for the break but then that didn't happen and I think my subsequent explanation for why I'm not in Texas any more I think broke the bank b/c I texted him about it and then something about his activities...and then he responded not...so I'm assuming it's a not-so-much on that one...

So....like for real I was like a player....or the most "player" I could've ever gotten...I think I'm a perpetual flirt..but I never close the deal. When Cartez asked for my phone number I let the email sit for a solid month just b/c I for some reason feel like when we get to that level the pretend relationship we could've maybe had would cease to exist. And funny thing, I was ok(ish) with going out on a real date with Stephen, but I freaked out when he asked me if he could hear the sound of my voice. Totally jumped out of my life...and subsequently didn't text back with regard to that particular text...I just pretended like I didn't get it at let it be....

Saying something is wrong with me I think would be an understatement...unfortunately...I don't know...It's almost as if I have a desire to be with myself for forever...but that's not the truth because I kinda definitely want a  family and that means I have to enter into a relationship with someone first right?! Yeah buddy....grr...

Ok...well...I got nothing, so I'm probably, definitely gonna go now. It's back to square one for me.

He's back...

...and I don't know why. and I'm afraid to ask why. why? because that means I'd have to be prepared for the answer. could it be bad? no, not really because it can't be bad. he's in a relationship which has lasted way longer than that thing we had...so clearly he's happy where he is. so then, why? oh, my fail...I don't know. maybe it's because for the first time in a long time this seems to be something that brings me happiness. I look forward to the text messages. It feels very surreal to me. we're not friends by any means...so it's almost like he's this random, faceless, nameless stranger who is just passing through...we have our escapade or whatever it should be called....we liaise and then we're done. asking questions and getting answers about anything remotely close to me or him makes it all too real. it makes it all too serious...and it highlights the fact that there will be an end because there has to be. things can't go on like this forever. though we can definitely always be separated by distance and time and things said, and unsaid and things that have happened and those that have yet to come...something about just broaching the subject of why, at this time in this place and space have you decided to contact me that just ruins it all. this is the one time I don't want to think about possibilities...and if I ask the question that's not something I'll be able to avoid. because even when/if I were to get an answer I would dissect it and figure out whether or not it was truth or just some message embedded within a message. ah...too much...this is too much. he's too much. but I can't let go. he's back...

I love mark torrez more than j.lo herself! Not really but i like him a lot!

What is wrong with me?!?

Seriously, this is a question I desparately need answered. I'm a giant ball of thoughts and emotions and highs and lows and everything elses...I don't know what to do with any of it. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing with my right now. Should I be doing what I'm doing right now? Is this a test? If so, am I failing it? Why? That's the biggest question...I welcome the present...but why now? What is this? Am I going to serioulsy regret this later? When is later? Ah!

Saw the Back-up Plan. Twice now. And every time it gets to the end where Jen tells the guy that he needs to leave I can't help but see myself in that movie. The tactic she used was one I myself used too...but the different between her guy and mine is that he actually wanted to stay and mine did not. I don't know how not to freak out though...I don't know how to trust people really...I don't know how to do that...and I was hoping that I was getting practice with this new batch of people I'm surrounded by...new people to be potentially friends and I need to trust them right...but I'm in the same position as I've been in. I can't say that I trust most of them with my me...my full me that is. I feel like they're selfish ad they won't care for the things I give them as though they were their own. And if I see that in a person, why would I willingly give them such precious gifts? Would that not be beyond idiotic?!?

I have a very active imagination...

So...it's not secret that I read...a lot. And it should also come as no secret as I don't date....a lot....actually...probably closer to not at all...but you know, it is what it is (or at least that's how I'm going to deal with it right now).

Ok, so when I started this I was going to open up and say some very embarrassing things, right...but as I'm trying to get into the meat of life, I feel like I'm not going to be that open. Like for serious. We'll just say. I read. I imagine. And I imagine well. And it makes me sad. Ok done.

Is it their age...or is it more about race

I often wonder if there's something about the race of a guy that determinies his readiness for a longterm committed relationship...I used to think it was only the age thing...but now I'm sure it's like an amalgamation of age and race and upbringing/family life and timing I guess....I don't know...but ok...so one of my bestest friends, Brittany has definitely been in a relationship for just under a year. I think this month will make a year (not completely sure b/c it ain't my relationship and I'm not sure if they count the entire "pre exclusive" part as a part of this year or not)...anyway...in this almost year, it is already understood that their next stop is marriage. Period. I'm pretty sure I did that dance...for two years and that ended in...actually i'm not gonna finish that statement...it ended...and that's what's most important...so right so, the difference between Brittany and her bf and me and my then bf is that me and mine are black and she and hers are white.

So basically...it's time to do some personal research...polling the audience.

I thought, but now I'm un-thinking...

Ok so first thing, there is something so wrong with me. I am seriously having these weird feelings...all about the three-letter s-word that I don't do or really use...it's odd...and the thoughts/fantasies or whatever don't include dudes...wait...there's a guy, but he has no face...so it's not like I'm envisioning any particular person...I just feel. Aarrrgh...anyway...that's one thing that's problematic...and then at one point I thought there was a problem with BQ. Before I left school we made a ritual of going to see a movie every so often...and then when I come home for breaks now we always go to see something. It's fun. Well this last time was this past weekend. We say Shrek 4 (I think). Movie was good. He drove this time rather than us meeting there...his way of disproving the fact that he always subtly shoos me away after our talks post-film. Anyway...we watch the movie and then we went to Target so he could get a PS3 (I think a waste of borrowed funds...but it's not my job to pay it back, so who cares)...and then we went back to his summer abode just cause. We watched Criminal Minds (which I haven't indulged in in quite some time) so I was happy about that. He hooked up his system and we half-talked...eventually as I was preparing to leave, Dre came in and gave me the longest-tightest hug ever. It was nice, b/c I don't get hugs like that. BQ also made a point to create this sign that said I'm his number 1 priority this summer...a sign I'm sure was removed when I left...to make sure he's free of all speculation (or maybe that's what I secretly hope b/c I don't want others to speculate...I don't know). But yeah, so I leave. BQ walks me to my car. I turn it on, and get back out to say my official goodbye. He gives me a hug and picks me up from the ground. As he lowers me back down he gives me a kiss on the cheek. So...in my car on the way home I'm thinking to myself...is he getting serious?!? And then in the midst of a text message conversation he says

"Why can't you accept I like u ebonii. U always act like I shove u to the side"

So clearly, I left his grammar as he wrote it...anyway...so bundle that with a kiss and I'm thinking again...is he getting serious on me. Now...I don't recall what I responded back to him, and my new phone only keeps the last 20 sent messages, so there is no way to recover my responses...but I am wondering/afraid that he meant "like-like" when he said "like"...and I'm not there. I think BQ is a very nice guy, but a nice guy for someone else. He's sweet, but he's also still got some maturing to do. He's slightly homophobic, and he inadvertently plays games. I think he's going to grow into a wonderful man, but he's not there yet. I have fun hanging out with him b/c it's light, and he always asks for advice and that's one thing I enjoy giving. But if he's jumped the fence then that complicates things, b/c I'm cool with hanging out, but I don't want to lead him on. So since I'm too much of a punk to just ask (out loud) what his "like" means...I'm sitting in an awkward purgatorial place. I have to wait for him to show/do something that warrants me telling him that he doesn't actually like me, and that he has misplaced feelings, b/c he doesn't really know me. But until I know

Ok...I take all of that back...I just had a convo with Kolya...you know to talk it all out...and I think I'm good now...and on top of that I went ahead and asked BQ about the drive-in and he didn't really jump at the opportunity so I figure that means tat all is still in friendship land, which works well for my life.

Alright...I'm done with this...

One Giant Singles-Dump

So, I'm sure my lack of enties is because I'm trying to pretend as though I don't have dating woes...the real world knows I do...so I'm certain that's why it continues to laugh at me. The Mario thing is over. I feel like that's what this entire texting thing has shown me...but it hasn't been like he's done, and I'm still holding on...I think honestly it's a mutual done thing. I still very much get excited by the Mario that I knew when I was 21. He and I worked well together. We made each other laugh. I felt like we challenged each other, and I think we felt comfortable around each other. I still feel like that initial getting together thing is something I am looking for with my future Mister. Um...but today...right now...this Mario is not the one. I know when we started the texting thing I was like uber-excited b/c I miss interaction. I miss communication and stuff...but there were times when I felt completely misunderstood in my texts...and also there were times he just sounded so matter-of-fact...like a robot I told him...and it made me laugh...but it also made me a bit irritated. It's like that Milton guy, who when I asked how he ended up where he was he gave this story that wasn't really a story. I wanted to know all the highs and lows of getting to where he was and he was just...I don't know...left so much out. I said to MW in text that I was being very transparent...and he was like "I am too"...but there's some of me that says he wasn't being all that transparent. Anyway...he's not what I need..not the him he is today anyway.








So now that leaves me back at square 0. Am I saddened by that...yeah-ish. Ish because sad isn't necessarily the proper adjective...but I can't think of the right one...so we're just gonna go with that for the time being. I have uncovered 2 things though....I spend a significant amount of time looking at other people's relationships and honestly wondering how and why. Not to say that anyone else's relationship is lacking or that there's something wrong with them...but I always stop and think to myself...what the heck is wrong with me. Like so for real...maybe people I've known from college have grown in ways I cannot even fathom, b/c I haven't yet...but really, really...real talk...where have they found their "One"? Where are they...and what's worse is that...ok...though these seem unrelated...they so are...I've gotten the question, more than once, of whether or not marriage is something that I actually want to pursue. So is that to mean that I don't give off the "I want to get married and have a family" vibe? Cause if that's the case, that ain't good. And the second thing I have uncovered is that I'm way too into my reading...I'm falling head over heels in love with fictional characters...and that has to be the saddest thing ever...but I can't help it. It's like I see so much of myself in what I read and it just seems natural to fall right into their lives...and their lives always end up in better circumstances than me.

My journal is supposed to be my safe space...

...to seriously talk about what's going on in my world. And it pains me to say that right now, that is most definitely not the case. Not the case for this particular issue. It's stupid, I know it is.....but it is the way it is, and I don't know what to do about it. I really want to talk it out with someone, but I honestly don't want anyone all in my business, and I feel like talking about it means that I'll be making it a bigger deal than what it is. But I'm going crazy keeping it all inside...and I'm praying about it...but I'm seriously not hearing, not understanding...I'm just not....and that's driving me even more insane. What am I supposed to be doing?!?

Yell it at me. I need to know. All I know is what I want to do, and I'm not sure if that want is my fleshly side, or if that want is there b/c that's what You would have me do. I don't know...and then I thought my answer was delivered to me when he didn't respond to me, and that was something I was gonna have to grapple with, but at least I had my answer...and now he has responded...like there was no time in between. He just picked up the conversation where we left off....my chest is in knots right now b/c I want to respond. I want to respond like now. When I heard my phone light up (with texts) like 15 thousand times I knew exactly where they were coming from...and it took a lot for me to open them...and like my heart often does when it comes to him...it started beating a lot and I started freaking out internally. Ugh...and now I'm so confused.

So...that guy who got my number on the dance floor....

...he used it. Yesterday, last night he texted me. I'm not sure that I'm at all excited about this. Now I wasn't particularly excited when we danced in the first place. Mostly cause he didn't particularly know what he was doing. So yeah...but he sent me a text yesterday asking me how things were going and all that jazz. We talked fairly sporadically from about 3 til like 8ish. It was like pulling teeth, and I was pretty glad we weren't communicating via the phone....cause that could've been painful. He's getting his masters in counseling and he's currently a youth counselor. He was saying he does all kinds...but I wasn't buying that. He essentially said that he had like a perfect journey to counseling...and that he feels it's his God-given profession. I was just not moved...and I don't know if he really is boring to me, or i'm still sore over the fact that Stan is the person I was hoping to have made a connection with. I don't know. But I do know...it was weird that after our convo...like 2 hours later he texted me saying it was nice that I asked him questions, and the "session" was good, and it was "refreshing" to have someone ask him questions....wtfrick?!? what is this "session"...and this morning he texted me wishing me a good day...I just don't know...what's wrong with me?!? I think i was set up for failure with guys. Things began so perfectly that first time...I just keep hoping and wanting and expecting that that'll be that way for all future potential experiences...and those that aren't I'm not concerned with. Could I potentially be blocking myself from my "Mister" b/c of that?!?

I'm an idiot...

...so this weekend was the Southeastern Greek Leadership Summit in Atlanta, Georgia. I had the distinct pleasure of being a facilitator...and chaperon to about 12 UGA students. Nothing terribly exciting happened on this trip, until the closing ceremony. We had a speaker, Stan Pearson. He did an entire presentation called, "No Chips with this Salsa". It was fun and interactive. In it, he talked about supporting others and he taught this through teaching Salsa. It was fantastic, and it allowed me to do Salsa. And we know I love that. Oh, right, so at one point he said something about how it's not like he was speaking Spanish, and there was a girl, Marissa, who was like, "hey, I speak Spanish" and he started speaking Spanish...ah....so of course...and this point in time, he dances and he speaks Spanish...so I'm smitten. And after the thing was all said and done, and many people who were there noticed that I was not a novice Salsa dancer, the lead guy, and Greek Life guy from UGA, Lamar asked Mr. Stan if he'd be willing to stay later. Before that Stan suggested a salsa club in Atlanta called Loca Luna. Then the question, and he agreed, and then we stopped to take a lot of pictures. Um, then Stan turns the music on, El Cantante....so again I am going crazy b/c I know this song. It's a great song! So it's he and I to dance. Starts off rocky 'cause I was like can I go on 1 or 2...but in real life I only go on 1. It's what feels most comfortable to me. So we established that, and then started dancing. I messed up, a lot, but it was fun. And we'd stop and re-start, and then just keep going. I'm really awkward and not so much sensual in the dance...but we know this...and yeah...will work on it I suppose. But it was amazing...then after me he attempted to dance with this student, Holly, and they didn't make it very far. Afterward we were talking and he suggested the club again. This time he was giving instructions on how to get there. Now, here is where I was probably making something out of nothing b/c I wanted to, but it is what it is. But both Je'nell and I were standing there listening to him, but he was totally looking at me as he was talking. Not sharing the eye contact between the two of us. So he's talking and he gives the the info and searches for the address. Um, and he winks at me. And he shook my hand, but not like a business meeting shake...more like a hand holding type of shake and thanked me for the dance and he was like, hopefully you all can come. Well....I was freakin' ecstatic. So I was like yeah we're going...and Je'nell is like I don't have anything to wear and I'm like, I don't care b/c I want to go. So we get dressed...oh...forgot...he gave digits, but since I'm an idiot I didn't get my phone out in time enough to get it so he gave it to Je'nell instead. So we/she texted him to see when we should get there. And we got dressed, made a quick stop at Walgreens for some essentials I needed, and then we were on our way. We finally get there, and Ebonii - real life me - wakes up and freaks out! I was having a mild panic attack in the car, freaking out about maybe I shouldn't go, and he probably isn't actually even remotely slightly interested, I was just breathing more life into that b/c I wanted to. He was probably just being nice. Maybe he won't even be there when we get there... I was doing the most...or the "utmost" as Cord would say. But Je'nell gives me a pep talk...and eventually I tell myself to suck it up and get out of the car. So I get out and we go in and we get to a comfortable place in the club...and interestingly enough I spot him through the crowd with some chicks who look like it's a birthday party. He's dancing with one. So I'm like ugh. This random old sweaty guy asks me to dance, so I do...he was a pretty good lead...we stop and Stan disappears...but in the meantime some other guy asks me to dance, Milton...I have his name b/c by the end of the dance he asks my name and asks for my number...we do that thing and then I departed from him. Je'nell and I walk to the bar so she can get a drink. While standing, Stan sees us, and he comes from behind. This part is crucial...see me watching romantic comedies, I think has set me up to look for things I should...in Hitch, Hitch tells Albert that when he's walking with Allegra that he has to watch his hand placement. Too high means, we're just friends...too low means, I just want to get into bed, so it has to be perfect placement...I'm gonna go with Stan's hand placement was very near bra strap level, which is in the friend zone...which I'm ok with with I suppose, but still a little sad...anyway...he pauses to talk to a friend and Je'nell gets her drink. He turns back around and he asks if we got what we needed...and I'm like she got her drink...and he says, the next round is on him...and I'm like, I don't drink, but I'm sure you can pick up hers. And he's like, well your next water is on me (lol)...and he makes no mention of Je'nell...then some other chick comes up and she's all in his ear, so Je'nell and I depart...not too far...but we leave nonetheless and she tells me I can't look for him anymore...well...that whole method fails b/c then I can't find him anymore. And he never comes to me. So we're dancing, and then they're changing the music up...sad day. But we stay dancing until I'm at the point where I kinda want to leave and  I know Je'nell totally wants to leave. So we do a walk through. I see him near the bathroom...and so I walk by with my head down...in my head hoping that he sees me, and like reaches out for my arm, or something of the like...but of course that doesn't happen...instead the song changes to a good one, and then when I look to see where he was, he'd disappeared again. And then I was like...I guess we should go. Before that some little Spanish guy asked me to dance. We danced to a salsa song then to some house music mix....and then Je'nell and I left. I was really upset and totally like....I knew I'd be rejected...that's why I didn't want to go in in the first place. And she was like, you weren't rejected. You dance with 3 different dudes...and then she was trying to make it about her saying no one asked her to dance, and I'm like 1) who cares, you have a boyfriend, 2) you were totally on your phone the whole time, 3) who cares, you have a boyfriend! But yeah...I'm like, it's not about all those dudes...it's about the one that I came for...I wish I had the confidence to just be like, yo, let's dance. I really liked that...and just to be that girl/lady or whatever that's so suave and things sound right when she says them...but I don't..and that's seriously frustrating....ah...

Quality Time & Words of Affirmation

Took a quiz on the 5 Love Languages website and those are tied for my main modes of expressing love. And I would say they are pretty dead on. I crave time spent with those that I love and care about. I actually get a little sad when it doesn't happen...additionally, I think that's what sets me up for failure/causes debates with others...when I have a problem, I'm going to you to discuss it and spent QT with you, not to get a quick response and call it a day...I'm capable of making my own decisions. The other language that's perfect to me is the WOA. Though I'm not affectionate in my language and I'm really bad at giving praise and in general telling others they matter and that I'm glad they exist (in that regard I appeal more to those who are "Gift Getting" speakers)...but I like and need to hear words of affirmation regularly. It hel;s me...I can't explain exactly how, but it helps me feel a bit more composed and complete.

Really what does this have to do with anything?!? Nothing honestly...it's just something I've found. I "enrolled" if you will in the YahooPersonals....it's a bit of a bust...partially 'cause I refuse to pay the fee, and the other part is because I just don't see anyone who appeals to my ideal guy...the portrait I have. Random pre-thing...mama randomly did this guy's taxes and she told him I'd call him (of course I didn't and won't) and she showed him my photos on facebook...he said I was pretty...but that could also be because mama was there. Like, would he honestly say I was ugly to her?!? Prolly not...so it is what it is.

Random guy who friended me on fb also commented on one of my pics, calling me a "hot nerd" and he "liked" a pic of me in a bathing suit in PR. It was weird to me, b/c I don't know him and I have no links to him. Technically it shouldn't matter, and actually it doesn't...I'm just mentioning it b/c honestly I was very much happy to read that some random person though I was "hot". I'm moving away from that idea of me not even being remotely pretty...but it does help/ it is nice to hear that I'm attractive once in a while.

I have mixed feelings about MW. It's weird. I mean...I won't lie and say I haven't had dreams of him like totally fulfilling something very Wedding Planner-esque...but it real life...priceless...I have daysodes all the time...I can speak of him...not generally using his name, but I can use him/ his actions in the context of a conversation...but no lie, if others speak of him, I'm suddenly in defensive mode. My chest starts hurting and gets locked up and I just get angry and a whole lot of different other things in the process...I don't know what is up with that, but it happens.

(9:24P)
Alright, so I took a nap and then I came back...interestingly enough mama called and one topic of her conversation was MW. She recently finished up his taxes and she was recapping her conversation/experience with him. She said she discussed his future with his Psych degree; apparently he prefers research to actual practice. Um, there was mention of him feeling overwhelmed by life as an adult, and that somewhere in the conversation there was talk of leaving, or wanting to retreat from Texas. Mama said that she doesn't feel like he knows what he wants or really what he wants his life to look like.

Really I bring this up to say, that feeling came. I got all tight in my chest and got really quiet. I pretty much had no words to say - good, bad or indifferent. I just silence myself. It's like I silence or I have silenced that part of myself and my life and it won't or doesn't know how to come out. I think mama sensed something too cause she asked me if she'd made me depressed by bringing it up. I said no, and that's true. I wouldn't consider the feeling I feel anything close to depressed. It is something though...something I can't really articulate.

All this stuff serves as a bit of an annoyance because there is a large part of me...not sure how large...if it's 40 or 50 or 35...but a part of me that really does think that he and I are kismet. We are our forevers. I don't know if this is the naive me who had a first love and can't let it go, or if that's the real me. Regardless of that...it exists and on top of that I can't seem to click with anyone else in the world. And interestingly enough, through my interactions with the world and with internet dating sites, I am starting to feel like the world is telling me the same thing. They tell me I'm too picky and no matches are ever delivered. In real life no one is interested, or I don't have the words to say, or in the case of Mr. J, someone else scoops him up and I can't do anything about it. Ahh...I just really wish I could understand it all. I wish I could understand me. I just wish I could see the grander picture....get a glimpse of me in 7 years time. By then will I have gotten to the place God wants me so that I can be with my mister? In the now I would like to know if I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing....am I serving as the source of my love-trials because I'm me or whatever?!? Ah...anyway...I gotta stop now. I could go in circles forever, and quite honestly I have real work to do before I hit the hay.