He's back...

...and I don't know why. and I'm afraid to ask why. why? because that means I'd have to be prepared for the answer. could it be bad? no, not really because it can't be bad. he's in a relationship which has lasted way longer than that thing we had...so clearly he's happy where he is. so then, why? oh, my fail...I don't know. maybe it's because for the first time in a long time this seems to be something that brings me happiness. I look forward to the text messages. It feels very surreal to me. we're not friends by any means...so it's almost like he's this random, faceless, nameless stranger who is just passing through...we have our escapade or whatever it should be called....we liaise and then we're done. asking questions and getting answers about anything remotely close to me or him makes it all too real. it makes it all too serious...and it highlights the fact that there will be an end because there has to be. things can't go on like this forever. though we can definitely always be separated by distance and time and things said, and unsaid and things that have happened and those that have yet to come...something about just broaching the subject of why, at this time in this place and space have you decided to contact me that just ruins it all. this is the one time I don't want to think about possibilities...and if I ask the question that's not something I'll be able to avoid. because even when/if I were to get an answer I would dissect it and figure out whether or not it was truth or just some message embedded within a message. ah...too much...this is too much. he's too much. but I can't let go. he's back...

I love mark torrez more than j.lo herself! Not really but i like him a lot!

What is wrong with me?!?

Seriously, this is a question I desparately need answered. I'm a giant ball of thoughts and emotions and highs and lows and everything elses...I don't know what to do with any of it. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing with my right now. Should I be doing what I'm doing right now? Is this a test? If so, am I failing it? Why? That's the biggest question...I welcome the present...but why now? What is this? Am I going to serioulsy regret this later? When is later? Ah!

Saw the Back-up Plan. Twice now. And every time it gets to the end where Jen tells the guy that he needs to leave I can't help but see myself in that movie. The tactic she used was one I myself used too...but the different between her guy and mine is that he actually wanted to stay and mine did not. I don't know how not to freak out though...I don't know how to trust people really...I don't know how to do that...and I was hoping that I was getting practice with this new batch of people I'm surrounded by...new people to be potentially friends and I need to trust them right...but I'm in the same position as I've been in. I can't say that I trust most of them with my me...my full me that is. I feel like they're selfish ad they won't care for the things I give them as though they were their own. And if I see that in a person, why would I willingly give them such precious gifts? Would that not be beyond idiotic?!?

I have a very active imagination...

So...it's not secret that I read...a lot. And it should also come as no secret as I don't date....a lot....actually...probably closer to not at all...but you know, it is what it is (or at least that's how I'm going to deal with it right now).

Ok, so when I started this I was going to open up and say some very embarrassing things, right...but as I'm trying to get into the meat of life, I feel like I'm not going to be that open. Like for serious. We'll just say. I read. I imagine. And I imagine well. And it makes me sad. Ok done.

Is it their age...or is it more about race

I often wonder if there's something about the race of a guy that determinies his readiness for a longterm committed relationship...I used to think it was only the age thing...but now I'm sure it's like an amalgamation of age and race and upbringing/family life and timing I guess....I don't know...but ok...so one of my bestest friends, Brittany has definitely been in a relationship for just under a year. I think this month will make a year (not completely sure b/c it ain't my relationship and I'm not sure if they count the entire "pre exclusive" part as a part of this year or not)...anyway...in this almost year, it is already understood that their next stop is marriage. Period. I'm pretty sure I did that dance...for two years and that ended in...actually i'm not gonna finish that statement...it ended...and that's what's most important...so right so, the difference between Brittany and her bf and me and my then bf is that me and mine are black and she and hers are white.

So basically...it's time to do some personal research...polling the audience.

I thought, but now I'm un-thinking...

Ok so first thing, there is something so wrong with me. I am seriously having these weird feelings...all about the three-letter s-word that I don't do or really use...it's odd...and the thoughts/fantasies or whatever don't include dudes...wait...there's a guy, but he has no face...so it's not like I'm envisioning any particular person...I just feel. Aarrrgh...anyway...that's one thing that's problematic...and then at one point I thought there was a problem with BQ. Before I left school we made a ritual of going to see a movie every so often...and then when I come home for breaks now we always go to see something. It's fun. Well this last time was this past weekend. We say Shrek 4 (I think). Movie was good. He drove this time rather than us meeting there...his way of disproving the fact that he always subtly shoos me away after our talks post-film. Anyway...we watch the movie and then we went to Target so he could get a PS3 (I think a waste of borrowed funds...but it's not my job to pay it back, so who cares)...and then we went back to his summer abode just cause. We watched Criminal Minds (which I haven't indulged in in quite some time) so I was happy about that. He hooked up his system and we half-talked...eventually as I was preparing to leave, Dre came in and gave me the longest-tightest hug ever. It was nice, b/c I don't get hugs like that. BQ also made a point to create this sign that said I'm his number 1 priority this summer...a sign I'm sure was removed when I left...to make sure he's free of all speculation (or maybe that's what I secretly hope b/c I don't want others to speculate...I don't know). But yeah, so I leave. BQ walks me to my car. I turn it on, and get back out to say my official goodbye. He gives me a hug and picks me up from the ground. As he lowers me back down he gives me a kiss on the cheek. So...in my car on the way home I'm thinking to myself...is he getting serious?!? And then in the midst of a text message conversation he says

"Why can't you accept I like u ebonii. U always act like I shove u to the side"

So clearly, I left his grammar as he wrote it...anyway...so bundle that with a kiss and I'm thinking again...is he getting serious on me. Now...I don't recall what I responded back to him, and my new phone only keeps the last 20 sent messages, so there is no way to recover my responses...but I am wondering/afraid that he meant "like-like" when he said "like"...and I'm not there. I think BQ is a very nice guy, but a nice guy for someone else. He's sweet, but he's also still got some maturing to do. He's slightly homophobic, and he inadvertently plays games. I think he's going to grow into a wonderful man, but he's not there yet. I have fun hanging out with him b/c it's light, and he always asks for advice and that's one thing I enjoy giving. But if he's jumped the fence then that complicates things, b/c I'm cool with hanging out, but I don't want to lead him on. So since I'm too much of a punk to just ask (out loud) what his "like" means...I'm sitting in an awkward purgatorial place. I have to wait for him to show/do something that warrants me telling him that he doesn't actually like me, and that he has misplaced feelings, b/c he doesn't really know me. But until I know

Ok...I take all of that back...I just had a convo with Kolya...you know to talk it all out...and I think I'm good now...and on top of that I went ahead and asked BQ about the drive-in and he didn't really jump at the opportunity so I figure that means tat all is still in friendship land, which works well for my life.

Alright...I'm done with this...

One Giant Singles-Dump

So, I'm sure my lack of enties is because I'm trying to pretend as though I don't have dating woes...the real world knows I do...so I'm certain that's why it continues to laugh at me. The Mario thing is over. I feel like that's what this entire texting thing has shown me...but it hasn't been like he's done, and I'm still holding on...I think honestly it's a mutual done thing. I still very much get excited by the Mario that I knew when I was 21. He and I worked well together. We made each other laugh. I felt like we challenged each other, and I think we felt comfortable around each other. I still feel like that initial getting together thing is something I am looking for with my future Mister. Um...but today...right now...this Mario is not the one. I know when we started the texting thing I was like uber-excited b/c I miss interaction. I miss communication and stuff...but there were times when I felt completely misunderstood in my texts...and also there were times he just sounded so matter-of-fact...like a robot I told him...and it made me laugh...but it also made me a bit irritated. It's like that Milton guy, who when I asked how he ended up where he was he gave this story that wasn't really a story. I wanted to know all the highs and lows of getting to where he was and he was just...I don't know...left so much out. I said to MW in text that I was being very transparent...and he was like "I am too"...but there's some of me that says he wasn't being all that transparent. Anyway...he's not what I need..not the him he is today anyway.








So now that leaves me back at square 0. Am I saddened by that...yeah-ish. Ish because sad isn't necessarily the proper adjective...but I can't think of the right one...so we're just gonna go with that for the time being. I have uncovered 2 things though....I spend a significant amount of time looking at other people's relationships and honestly wondering how and why. Not to say that anyone else's relationship is lacking or that there's something wrong with them...but I always stop and think to myself...what the heck is wrong with me. Like so for real...maybe people I've known from college have grown in ways I cannot even fathom, b/c I haven't yet...but really, really...real talk...where have they found their "One"? Where are they...and what's worse is that...ok...though these seem unrelated...they so are...I've gotten the question, more than once, of whether or not marriage is something that I actually want to pursue. So is that to mean that I don't give off the "I want to get married and have a family" vibe? Cause if that's the case, that ain't good. And the second thing I have uncovered is that I'm way too into my reading...I'm falling head over heels in love with fictional characters...and that has to be the saddest thing ever...but I can't help it. It's like I see so much of myself in what I read and it just seems natural to fall right into their lives...and their lives always end up in better circumstances than me.

My journal is supposed to be my safe space...

...to seriously talk about what's going on in my world. And it pains me to say that right now, that is most definitely not the case. Not the case for this particular issue. It's stupid, I know it is.....but it is the way it is, and I don't know what to do about it. I really want to talk it out with someone, but I honestly don't want anyone all in my business, and I feel like talking about it means that I'll be making it a bigger deal than what it is. But I'm going crazy keeping it all inside...and I'm praying about it...but I'm seriously not hearing, not understanding...I'm just not....and that's driving me even more insane. What am I supposed to be doing?!?

Yell it at me. I need to know. All I know is what I want to do, and I'm not sure if that want is my fleshly side, or if that want is there b/c that's what You would have me do. I don't know...and then I thought my answer was delivered to me when he didn't respond to me, and that was something I was gonna have to grapple with, but at least I had my answer...and now he has responded...like there was no time in between. He just picked up the conversation where we left off....my chest is in knots right now b/c I want to respond. I want to respond like now. When I heard my phone light up (with texts) like 15 thousand times I knew exactly where they were coming from...and it took a lot for me to open them...and like my heart often does when it comes to him...it started beating a lot and I started freaking out internally. Ugh...and now I'm so confused.

So...that guy who got my number on the dance floor....

...he used it. Yesterday, last night he texted me. I'm not sure that I'm at all excited about this. Now I wasn't particularly excited when we danced in the first place. Mostly cause he didn't particularly know what he was doing. So yeah...but he sent me a text yesterday asking me how things were going and all that jazz. We talked fairly sporadically from about 3 til like 8ish. It was like pulling teeth, and I was pretty glad we weren't communicating via the phone....cause that could've been painful. He's getting his masters in counseling and he's currently a youth counselor. He was saying he does all kinds...but I wasn't buying that. He essentially said that he had like a perfect journey to counseling...and that he feels it's his God-given profession. I was just not moved...and I don't know if he really is boring to me, or i'm still sore over the fact that Stan is the person I was hoping to have made a connection with. I don't know. But I do know...it was weird that after our convo...like 2 hours later he texted me saying it was nice that I asked him questions, and the "session" was good, and it was "refreshing" to have someone ask him questions....wtfrick?!? what is this "session"...and this morning he texted me wishing me a good day...I just don't know...what's wrong with me?!? I think i was set up for failure with guys. Things began so perfectly that first time...I just keep hoping and wanting and expecting that that'll be that way for all future potential experiences...and those that aren't I'm not concerned with. Could I potentially be blocking myself from my "Mister" b/c of that?!?

I'm an idiot...

...so this weekend was the Southeastern Greek Leadership Summit in Atlanta, Georgia. I had the distinct pleasure of being a facilitator...and chaperon to about 12 UGA students. Nothing terribly exciting happened on this trip, until the closing ceremony. We had a speaker, Stan Pearson. He did an entire presentation called, "No Chips with this Salsa". It was fun and interactive. In it, he talked about supporting others and he taught this through teaching Salsa. It was fantastic, and it allowed me to do Salsa. And we know I love that. Oh, right, so at one point he said something about how it's not like he was speaking Spanish, and there was a girl, Marissa, who was like, "hey, I speak Spanish" and he started speaking Spanish...ah....so of course...and this point in time, he dances and he speaks Spanish...so I'm smitten. And after the thing was all said and done, and many people who were there noticed that I was not a novice Salsa dancer, the lead guy, and Greek Life guy from UGA, Lamar asked Mr. Stan if he'd be willing to stay later. Before that Stan suggested a salsa club in Atlanta called Loca Luna. Then the question, and he agreed, and then we stopped to take a lot of pictures. Um, then Stan turns the music on, El Cantante....so again I am going crazy b/c I know this song. It's a great song! So it's he and I to dance. Starts off rocky 'cause I was like can I go on 1 or 2...but in real life I only go on 1. It's what feels most comfortable to me. So we established that, and then started dancing. I messed up, a lot, but it was fun. And we'd stop and re-start, and then just keep going. I'm really awkward and not so much sensual in the dance...but we know this...and yeah...will work on it I suppose. But it was amazing...then after me he attempted to dance with this student, Holly, and they didn't make it very far. Afterward we were talking and he suggested the club again. This time he was giving instructions on how to get there. Now, here is where I was probably making something out of nothing b/c I wanted to, but it is what it is. But both Je'nell and I were standing there listening to him, but he was totally looking at me as he was talking. Not sharing the eye contact between the two of us. So he's talking and he gives the the info and searches for the address. Um, and he winks at me. And he shook my hand, but not like a business meeting shake...more like a hand holding type of shake and thanked me for the dance and he was like, hopefully you all can come. Well....I was freakin' ecstatic. So I was like yeah we're going...and Je'nell is like I don't have anything to wear and I'm like, I don't care b/c I want to go. So we get dressed...oh...forgot...he gave digits, but since I'm an idiot I didn't get my phone out in time enough to get it so he gave it to Je'nell instead. So we/she texted him to see when we should get there. And we got dressed, made a quick stop at Walgreens for some essentials I needed, and then we were on our way. We finally get there, and Ebonii - real life me - wakes up and freaks out! I was having a mild panic attack in the car, freaking out about maybe I shouldn't go, and he probably isn't actually even remotely slightly interested, I was just breathing more life into that b/c I wanted to. He was probably just being nice. Maybe he won't even be there when we get there... I was doing the most...or the "utmost" as Cord would say. But Je'nell gives me a pep talk...and eventually I tell myself to suck it up and get out of the car. So I get out and we go in and we get to a comfortable place in the club...and interestingly enough I spot him through the crowd with some chicks who look like it's a birthday party. He's dancing with one. So I'm like ugh. This random old sweaty guy asks me to dance, so I do...he was a pretty good lead...we stop and Stan disappears...but in the meantime some other guy asks me to dance, Milton...I have his name b/c by the end of the dance he asks my name and asks for my number...we do that thing and then I departed from him. Je'nell and I walk to the bar so she can get a drink. While standing, Stan sees us, and he comes from behind. This part is crucial...see me watching romantic comedies, I think has set me up to look for things I should...in Hitch, Hitch tells Albert that when he's walking with Allegra that he has to watch his hand placement. Too high means, we're just friends...too low means, I just want to get into bed, so it has to be perfect placement...I'm gonna go with Stan's hand placement was very near bra strap level, which is in the friend zone...which I'm ok with with I suppose, but still a little sad...anyway...he pauses to talk to a friend and Je'nell gets her drink. He turns back around and he asks if we got what we needed...and I'm like she got her drink...and he says, the next round is on him...and I'm like, I don't drink, but I'm sure you can pick up hers. And he's like, well your next water is on me (lol)...and he makes no mention of Je'nell...then some other chick comes up and she's all in his ear, so Je'nell and I depart...not too far...but we leave nonetheless and she tells me I can't look for him anymore...well...that whole method fails b/c then I can't find him anymore. And he never comes to me. So we're dancing, and then they're changing the music up...sad day. But we stay dancing until I'm at the point where I kinda want to leave and  I know Je'nell totally wants to leave. So we do a walk through. I see him near the bathroom...and so I walk by with my head down...in my head hoping that he sees me, and like reaches out for my arm, or something of the like...but of course that doesn't happen...instead the song changes to a good one, and then when I look to see where he was, he'd disappeared again. And then I was like...I guess we should go. Before that some little Spanish guy asked me to dance. We danced to a salsa song then to some house music mix....and then Je'nell and I left. I was really upset and totally like....I knew I'd be rejected...that's why I didn't want to go in in the first place. And she was like, you weren't rejected. You dance with 3 different dudes...and then she was trying to make it about her saying no one asked her to dance, and I'm like 1) who cares, you have a boyfriend, 2) you were totally on your phone the whole time, 3) who cares, you have a boyfriend! But yeah...I'm like, it's not about all those dudes...it's about the one that I came for...I wish I had the confidence to just be like, yo, let's dance. I really liked that...and just to be that girl/lady or whatever that's so suave and things sound right when she says them...but I don't..and that's seriously frustrating....ah...

Quality Time & Words of Affirmation

Took a quiz on the 5 Love Languages website and those are tied for my main modes of expressing love. And I would say they are pretty dead on. I crave time spent with those that I love and care about. I actually get a little sad when it doesn't happen...additionally, I think that's what sets me up for failure/causes debates with others...when I have a problem, I'm going to you to discuss it and spent QT with you, not to get a quick response and call it a day...I'm capable of making my own decisions. The other language that's perfect to me is the WOA. Though I'm not affectionate in my language and I'm really bad at giving praise and in general telling others they matter and that I'm glad they exist (in that regard I appeal more to those who are "Gift Getting" speakers)...but I like and need to hear words of affirmation regularly. It hel;s me...I can't explain exactly how, but it helps me feel a bit more composed and complete.

Really what does this have to do with anything?!? Nothing honestly...it's just something I've found. I "enrolled" if you will in the YahooPersonals....it's a bit of a bust...partially 'cause I refuse to pay the fee, and the other part is because I just don't see anyone who appeals to my ideal guy...the portrait I have. Random pre-thing...mama randomly did this guy's taxes and she told him I'd call him (of course I didn't and won't) and she showed him my photos on facebook...he said I was pretty...but that could also be because mama was there. Like, would he honestly say I was ugly to her?!? Prolly not...so it is what it is.

Random guy who friended me on fb also commented on one of my pics, calling me a "hot nerd" and he "liked" a pic of me in a bathing suit in PR. It was weird to me, b/c I don't know him and I have no links to him. Technically it shouldn't matter, and actually it doesn't...I'm just mentioning it b/c honestly I was very much happy to read that some random person though I was "hot". I'm moving away from that idea of me not even being remotely pretty...but it does help/ it is nice to hear that I'm attractive once in a while.

I have mixed feelings about MW. It's weird. I mean...I won't lie and say I haven't had dreams of him like totally fulfilling something very Wedding Planner-esque...but it real life...priceless...I have daysodes all the time...I can speak of him...not generally using his name, but I can use him/ his actions in the context of a conversation...but no lie, if others speak of him, I'm suddenly in defensive mode. My chest starts hurting and gets locked up and I just get angry and a whole lot of different other things in the process...I don't know what is up with that, but it happens.

(9:24P)
Alright, so I took a nap and then I came back...interestingly enough mama called and one topic of her conversation was MW. She recently finished up his taxes and she was recapping her conversation/experience with him. She said she discussed his future with his Psych degree; apparently he prefers research to actual practice. Um, there was mention of him feeling overwhelmed by life as an adult, and that somewhere in the conversation there was talk of leaving, or wanting to retreat from Texas. Mama said that she doesn't feel like he knows what he wants or really what he wants his life to look like.

Really I bring this up to say, that feeling came. I got all tight in my chest and got really quiet. I pretty much had no words to say - good, bad or indifferent. I just silence myself. It's like I silence or I have silenced that part of myself and my life and it won't or doesn't know how to come out. I think mama sensed something too cause she asked me if she'd made me depressed by bringing it up. I said no, and that's true. I wouldn't consider the feeling I feel anything close to depressed. It is something though...something I can't really articulate.

All this stuff serves as a bit of an annoyance because there is a large part of me...not sure how large...if it's 40 or 50 or 35...but a part of me that really does think that he and I are kismet. We are our forevers. I don't know if this is the naive me who had a first love and can't let it go, or if that's the real me. Regardless of that...it exists and on top of that I can't seem to click with anyone else in the world. And interestingly enough, through my interactions with the world and with internet dating sites, I am starting to feel like the world is telling me the same thing. They tell me I'm too picky and no matches are ever delivered. In real life no one is interested, or I don't have the words to say, or in the case of Mr. J, someone else scoops him up and I can't do anything about it. Ahh...I just really wish I could understand it all. I wish I could understand me. I just wish I could see the grander picture....get a glimpse of me in 7 years time. By then will I have gotten to the place God wants me so that I can be with my mister? In the now I would like to know if I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing....am I serving as the source of my love-trials because I'm me or whatever?!? Ah...anyway...I gotta stop now. I could go in circles forever, and quite honestly I have real work to do before I hit the hay.

This too shall pass

I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain't happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning light

This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass.

- India.Arie

I started reading this article...

it was talkin' about...wait...the title was "How to mend a broken heart". So I'm intrigued. FALSE. I read said article and it tells you, or the reader, to go to a psychic...'cause though you may get the same advice from a close friend or family member, which is that Mr. Right is just around the corner, you may be more apt to believe it if it's comin' from a complete and total stranger who claims they can see into the future. What kinda garbage. So needless to say less than please I was...and it has unfortunately sent me into a bit of a funk. Yesterday, last night with Emelia, I saw Leap Year...and it's really funny how with others I'm oh so encouraging when it comes to meeting that right person for them. They're all like, "oh, it won't happen." and I'm always, no you're so good...and it's only a matter of time...only less b.s. sounding. But...yeah...watching that film and every other romantic comedy that exists in the world just totally reminds me of how blissfully happy I am during those 1.5 hours, and how that blissfully is removed as soon as the time is up...and sometimes the happy is preceded by an un-. It's seriously the pits...'cause I don't want it to be that way. And of course, even though I don't always intentionally keep tabs on MW or whatever, sometimes I manage to fun up on him...and it always makes me sad 'cause it's like...I don't understand. He's been in a state of perpetual bliss since we broke up....and I...well...have not. Not completely broken, but I haven't had so much as a prospect since our demise. There was that cute guy, Alex from the summer...but that was all of 2 days...and he was boring (never thought I'd be able to say that about someone else)...so that so doesn't count...every other dude I know is totally only interested in me platonically...and vice versa...honestly I don't even know any dudes really....let's see...Brian (friend...not my type physically), Lee (friend...not my type physically), Jermaine (married...not my type physically), Cord (gay...not my type physically)...and that's all she wrote folks...of course I get the occasional text from Tyrone, but we all know he's only into playing games...and just recently Kenny came back, but we already discussed him and he's interested in (legit) my master's program...oh and not to mention....not my type physically.

There's so much ridiculousness here. I don't feel like things are supposed to be this way. I just never imagined someone's life truly being better less me in it. He suffered not at all...and that makes no sense to me. That makes me feel as though I was like this horrible person and the reason I went through what I went through and why I'm still alone is because I'm being punished. It's pretty disheartening. I don't even know what to do about any of that like at all.

So I say to myself, self...really now, let's be so for real...reflect on that time period...and I do. And I'm not convinced that I was an awful person to him. So...that theory is out the window...but why else are things as they are? In such disarray from my vantage point? I recognize that I'm in a place right now where either myself or my mate is being prepared for the other...but here again...something I continue to struggle with....what do I do in the meantime? I'm gettin' antsy all over again...and it doesn't help that I don't particularly like where I am. This city sucks and I'm not even distracted by other things. Work-wise life is no bueno. The students are cool, but the super sucks...and not to mention...that whole used-to-have-a-crush-on-him-slash-sometimes-I-still-kinda-do-even-though-he's-definitely-dating-jenell....ah

...anyway...the moral of the story is I don't know why I'm in the position I'm in and he's in the position he's in and I'm the one w/o an anybody...and he's got a somebody...what is going on in life?!?

So pretty much I suck at life...

...and that's sad. I'm definitely sure that before, during break I had this idea...I had actually created a story in my head...which I am prone to do....quite often actually. It's my internal gap-filling....when I don't have real answers or reasons or whatever, I take whatever evidence I do have and create a story that makes sense to me...or that is maybe secretly what I want the reality to be....either way....a little bit ago...like 2-3 weeks before school let out for Christmas, I got a text from Kenny. It was weird...'cause I hadn't seen Kenny since my graduation day, and I hadn't spoken to Kenny since he left UTA, like 2 years ago...so much to my surprise in his text he's asking me how I am and how life is and such. So I text back....and he doesn't say anything....until like 3-4 weeks later when I'm at home. He's asking me about my program at UGA and stuff and how I like it. Of course, all of this is via text message, so it's like super difficult and a bit irritating. So I give him like 4-5 texts full of info and I say it's hard to talk about the program via text, but if he has specific questions I'll answer them. He responds back suggesting we get together for lunch or whatever to discuss the program further....so of course now i go to creating the motive or the middle story....the thing that connects the random initial text and then connects this sudden interest in CSAA....clearly one other than the one he already gave me...which is that he is looking into a program...right?!? Yeah, so Ebonii says, most undoubtedly b/c Ebonii desperately wants some sort of attention from males in general....that he totally doesn't completely care about CSAA and the like...he really is just using that as an excuse to hang out with me. Right.....so he doesn't text me back the whole friggin' break...so again I continued with my story. Then I have dinner with Eleanor and he sends me a text message asking me when i'm going back to Georgia...so I use that as a jump off and I started telling her about random people that had popped up, and I started with Tyrone...it's just too easy to start there, 'cause he still sends me texts and I haven't figured out why, 'cause he rarely replies to them and he doesn't seem to actually awnt to talk to me...anyway....of course, really I was looking for an excuse to tell someone about Kenny (who knew him, 'cause before that I told Kendra and when I was like "right, like he really wants to talk about the program..." she was all like, "why wouldn't he want to talk about it?!?" and I'm like "...oh...huh?!?") so they could validate my story....well Eleanor does what I need her to do, and she's like Kenny never sends text messages and he never communicates with people, so he must be ready to settle down and he remembered that you were a good catch and he's comin' back to claim you....Her words, not mine...so I'm like yeah....so after that night...I tell him that I'd be leaving the next day and he says nothing....so I'm like ok...whatever...and then today he calls. I'm like "Kenny"...in my head....actually it was out loud, but I live alone...so it was one of those exclamations that wouldn't have been audible were others around...anyway...he calls and what does he want to discuss?!? Graduate programs in student affairs....I fail...and I know not of what I assume I do. Namely...I don't know squat about dudes...and reading between lines...especially via text message....probably mostly 'cause there are no lines to read between. Ah, fail...anyway...he says he had to leave and he'll call again this weekend to inquire further. Giant fail. Anyway....it was a nice thought and lovely story while it existed in my head....

....oh my no....I forgot to mention the boss man interaction from earlier.....that must wait....I'm pretending as though I don't have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow.....except for that I do. .....TBC...

My name is Mary Fiore

So I'm totally sitting on my couch in my living room watching Four Christmases. I've been in Athens for 24 hours now. Twenty four full hours, and it doesn't get any better. Unfortunately. I went grocery shopping and back to school shopping...and I attempted to go work clothes shopping (but that didn't go over too well). Back at home, I cleaned and put groceries and such away and rearranged my clothes in their suitcases and cleaned my closet and cleaned up the living room and now I'm sittin...watching a movie....a love story...good exciting thing, I feel totally like Mary at the beginning of The Wedding Planner. She gets home sits and eats and watches tv and then she cleans before getting ready for bed. That's so me right now. Woo...but then I was like, un-woo b/c I'm sitting. On my couch. Alone. and definitely so was Mary when she was there. Only she pretended that life was grand for her....and she filled her days with lots of stuff and was totally a control freak in order to maintain the "everything is so legit and peachy" kind of aura....oh my no....doesn't that sound so familiar?!? Yeah 'cause it's me!

This is not looking good already. I know when I'm sad I get fat and oddly enough when I'm happy I lose some and then I get a little fat after that....yeah, so when I moved to Athens I gained like 3-5 pounds...and when I went home for break I totally lost 4-5 pounds....hmm...

Alright...if I'm Mary...I'll be Mary...I'll take that....if she is me...If I am her....where's my friggin' Steve?!? Of at least my Massimo?!? Oh, boo.

Different Perspective

ALWAYS

WITH YOU

Read:
Psalm 25:4-10

The highway that winds around the southern shore of Lake Michigan can be tracherous in the winter. One weekend as we were driving back to Grand Rapids from Chicago, a buildup of snow and ice slowed traffic, caused numerous accidents, and almost doubled our drive time. We were relieved as we eased off the expressway onoour final road. It was then that my husband said out loud, Thanks Lord, I think I can take it from here."
   Just as he finished saying the words, our car spun around 180 degrees. As we came to a stop, hearts pounding, we could just imagine God saying: "Are you sure?"
   Why do we sometimes try to go it alone in life when at every moment we have access to God? He said: "I am with you and will keep you wherever you go" (Gen. 28:15). And He assures us: "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).
   Scottish mathematician, theologian, and preacher Thomas Chalmers (1780-1847) wrote: "When I walk by the wayside, He is along with me. When I enter into company, amid all my forgetfulness of Him, He never forgets me....Go where I will, He tends me, and watches me, and cares for me."
   What a comfort to know that God is always with us - we don't need to go through life alone!
                                                                                                         - Cindy Hess Kasper


This was the reading from my Daily Bread today. It is funny and interesting and much needed all at the same time. Definitely, in my last entry I was whining about how I saw all these other people on facebook who are totally engaged or hooked up. And it's interesting how in general as I've continued through life (romantic and just regular life) I keep trying to do everything on my own. That's one of my biggest vices. I don't let people in, and additionally I don't allow God to be the captain of my ship. As I've gotten older and matured I've definitely recognized how much better life is when I'm not attempting to live by my own rules....like I tried to explain to Aaron that it's amazing how when you stop trying to do it all, and truly allow God to lead the way, doors just begin opening up. Of course as a God-follower, you will still run up against trials, but with Him you will have the strength to make it through, and with Him you will travel down the path that has been set for you. I've said it before (not here of course) but I've always found it much easier to trust God to guide me towards my non-love life destination...I fought at first with the whole med school thing, but there's never been a doubt in my mind about not having a work path, or having somewhere to work....but I've always been frightened and hesitant to trust Him about me and love. And even though in deed I'm not trying to 'blaze my own trail' and do things my way....in thought I'm freakin' 'Doubting Didymous' and on top of that post the MW show, I feel like I've grown a lot and that I'm so ready for my Mr. Forever. And even though I'm not saying a word, I'm thinking plenty....and that's me stuck in my own way....that's me saying "I can take it from here"..... today's message was so important. I know trials will come....but I don't want the ones I do encounter be results of my 180 degree turn from saying "I got this". Ahh...so easy and yet so completely difficult. I dunno.

Lord God Father....guide me, and lead me in the way that I should go. Harden not my heart so that I will do nothing short of Your will. In your precious son's name Jesus I pray.

Amen.

This is why you should only ever get on facebook once a week.

Clickin' on friends and mutual friends and seeing just how many of my friends and old residnts fom undergrad have come along in life.....how 'bout 90% of them are in a relaionship, engaged, or married?!? Even some of the socially awkward ones. What the heck is wrong con la Ebonii?!?