So...that guy who got my number on the dance floor....

...he used it. Yesterday, last night he texted me. I'm not sure that I'm at all excited about this. Now I wasn't particularly excited when we danced in the first place. Mostly cause he didn't particularly know what he was doing. So yeah...but he sent me a text yesterday asking me how things were going and all that jazz. We talked fairly sporadically from about 3 til like 8ish. It was like pulling teeth, and I was pretty glad we weren't communicating via the phone....cause that could've been painful. He's getting his masters in counseling and he's currently a youth counselor. He was saying he does all kinds...but I wasn't buying that. He essentially said that he had like a perfect journey to counseling...and that he feels it's his God-given profession. I was just not moved...and I don't know if he really is boring to me, or i'm still sore over the fact that Stan is the person I was hoping to have made a connection with. I don't know. But I do know...it was weird that after our convo...like 2 hours later he texted me saying it was nice that I asked him questions, and the "session" was good, and it was "refreshing" to have someone ask him questions....wtfrick?!? what is this "session"...and this morning he texted me wishing me a good day...I just don't know...what's wrong with me?!? I think i was set up for failure with guys. Things began so perfectly that first time...I just keep hoping and wanting and expecting that that'll be that way for all future potential experiences...and those that aren't I'm not concerned with. Could I potentially be blocking myself from my "Mister" b/c of that?!?

I'm an idiot...

...so this weekend was the Southeastern Greek Leadership Summit in Atlanta, Georgia. I had the distinct pleasure of being a facilitator...and chaperon to about 12 UGA students. Nothing terribly exciting happened on this trip, until the closing ceremony. We had a speaker, Stan Pearson. He did an entire presentation called, "No Chips with this Salsa". It was fun and interactive. In it, he talked about supporting others and he taught this through teaching Salsa. It was fantastic, and it allowed me to do Salsa. And we know I love that. Oh, right, so at one point he said something about how it's not like he was speaking Spanish, and there was a girl, Marissa, who was like, "hey, I speak Spanish" and he started speaking Spanish...ah....so of course...and this point in time, he dances and he speaks Spanish...so I'm smitten. And after the thing was all said and done, and many people who were there noticed that I was not a novice Salsa dancer, the lead guy, and Greek Life guy from UGA, Lamar asked Mr. Stan if he'd be willing to stay later. Before that Stan suggested a salsa club in Atlanta called Loca Luna. Then the question, and he agreed, and then we stopped to take a lot of pictures. Um, then Stan turns the music on, El Cantante....so again I am going crazy b/c I know this song. It's a great song! So it's he and I to dance. Starts off rocky 'cause I was like can I go on 1 or 2...but in real life I only go on 1. It's what feels most comfortable to me. So we established that, and then started dancing. I messed up, a lot, but it was fun. And we'd stop and re-start, and then just keep going. I'm really awkward and not so much sensual in the dance...but we know this...and yeah...will work on it I suppose. But it was amazing...then after me he attempted to dance with this student, Holly, and they didn't make it very far. Afterward we were talking and he suggested the club again. This time he was giving instructions on how to get there. Now, here is where I was probably making something out of nothing b/c I wanted to, but it is what it is. But both Je'nell and I were standing there listening to him, but he was totally looking at me as he was talking. Not sharing the eye contact between the two of us. So he's talking and he gives the the info and searches for the address. Um, and he winks at me. And he shook my hand, but not like a business meeting shake...more like a hand holding type of shake and thanked me for the dance and he was like, hopefully you all can come. Well....I was freakin' ecstatic. So I was like yeah we're going...and Je'nell is like I don't have anything to wear and I'm like, I don't care b/c I want to go. So we get dressed...oh...forgot...he gave digits, but since I'm an idiot I didn't get my phone out in time enough to get it so he gave it to Je'nell instead. So we/she texted him to see when we should get there. And we got dressed, made a quick stop at Walgreens for some essentials I needed, and then we were on our way. We finally get there, and Ebonii - real life me - wakes up and freaks out! I was having a mild panic attack in the car, freaking out about maybe I shouldn't go, and he probably isn't actually even remotely slightly interested, I was just breathing more life into that b/c I wanted to. He was probably just being nice. Maybe he won't even be there when we get there... I was doing the most...or the "utmost" as Cord would say. But Je'nell gives me a pep talk...and eventually I tell myself to suck it up and get out of the car. So I get out and we go in and we get to a comfortable place in the club...and interestingly enough I spot him through the crowd with some chicks who look like it's a birthday party. He's dancing with one. So I'm like ugh. This random old sweaty guy asks me to dance, so I do...he was a pretty good lead...we stop and Stan disappears...but in the meantime some other guy asks me to dance, Milton...I have his name b/c by the end of the dance he asks my name and asks for my number...we do that thing and then I departed from him. Je'nell and I walk to the bar so she can get a drink. While standing, Stan sees us, and he comes from behind. This part is crucial...see me watching romantic comedies, I think has set me up to look for things I should...in Hitch, Hitch tells Albert that when he's walking with Allegra that he has to watch his hand placement. Too high means, we're just friends...too low means, I just want to get into bed, so it has to be perfect placement...I'm gonna go with Stan's hand placement was very near bra strap level, which is in the friend zone...which I'm ok with with I suppose, but still a little sad...anyway...he pauses to talk to a friend and Je'nell gets her drink. He turns back around and he asks if we got what we needed...and I'm like she got her drink...and he says, the next round is on him...and I'm like, I don't drink, but I'm sure you can pick up hers. And he's like, well your next water is on me (lol)...and he makes no mention of Je'nell...then some other chick comes up and she's all in his ear, so Je'nell and I depart...not too far...but we leave nonetheless and she tells me I can't look for him anymore...well...that whole method fails b/c then I can't find him anymore. And he never comes to me. So we're dancing, and then they're changing the music up...sad day. But we stay dancing until I'm at the point where I kinda want to leave and  I know Je'nell totally wants to leave. So we do a walk through. I see him near the bathroom...and so I walk by with my head down...in my head hoping that he sees me, and like reaches out for my arm, or something of the like...but of course that doesn't happen...instead the song changes to a good one, and then when I look to see where he was, he'd disappeared again. And then I was like...I guess we should go. Before that some little Spanish guy asked me to dance. We danced to a salsa song then to some house music mix....and then Je'nell and I left. I was really upset and totally like....I knew I'd be rejected...that's why I didn't want to go in in the first place. And she was like, you weren't rejected. You dance with 3 different dudes...and then she was trying to make it about her saying no one asked her to dance, and I'm like 1) who cares, you have a boyfriend, 2) you were totally on your phone the whole time, 3) who cares, you have a boyfriend! But yeah...I'm like, it's not about all those dudes...it's about the one that I came for...I wish I had the confidence to just be like, yo, let's dance. I really liked that...and just to be that girl/lady or whatever that's so suave and things sound right when she says them...but I don't..and that's seriously frustrating....ah...

Quality Time & Words of Affirmation

Took a quiz on the 5 Love Languages website and those are tied for my main modes of expressing love. And I would say they are pretty dead on. I crave time spent with those that I love and care about. I actually get a little sad when it doesn't happen...additionally, I think that's what sets me up for failure/causes debates with others...when I have a problem, I'm going to you to discuss it and spent QT with you, not to get a quick response and call it a day...I'm capable of making my own decisions. The other language that's perfect to me is the WOA. Though I'm not affectionate in my language and I'm really bad at giving praise and in general telling others they matter and that I'm glad they exist (in that regard I appeal more to those who are "Gift Getting" speakers)...but I like and need to hear words of affirmation regularly. It hel;s me...I can't explain exactly how, but it helps me feel a bit more composed and complete.

Really what does this have to do with anything?!? Nothing honestly...it's just something I've found. I "enrolled" if you will in the YahooPersonals....it's a bit of a bust...partially 'cause I refuse to pay the fee, and the other part is because I just don't see anyone who appeals to my ideal guy...the portrait I have. Random pre-thing...mama randomly did this guy's taxes and she told him I'd call him (of course I didn't and won't) and she showed him my photos on facebook...he said I was pretty...but that could also be because mama was there. Like, would he honestly say I was ugly to her?!? Prolly not...so it is what it is.

Random guy who friended me on fb also commented on one of my pics, calling me a "hot nerd" and he "liked" a pic of me in a bathing suit in PR. It was weird to me, b/c I don't know him and I have no links to him. Technically it shouldn't matter, and actually it doesn't...I'm just mentioning it b/c honestly I was very much happy to read that some random person though I was "hot". I'm moving away from that idea of me not even being remotely pretty...but it does help/ it is nice to hear that I'm attractive once in a while.

I have mixed feelings about MW. It's weird. I mean...I won't lie and say I haven't had dreams of him like totally fulfilling something very Wedding Planner-esque...but it real life...priceless...I have daysodes all the time...I can speak of him...not generally using his name, but I can use him/ his actions in the context of a conversation...but no lie, if others speak of him, I'm suddenly in defensive mode. My chest starts hurting and gets locked up and I just get angry and a whole lot of different other things in the process...I don't know what is up with that, but it happens.

(9:24P)
Alright, so I took a nap and then I came back...interestingly enough mama called and one topic of her conversation was MW. She recently finished up his taxes and she was recapping her conversation/experience with him. She said she discussed his future with his Psych degree; apparently he prefers research to actual practice. Um, there was mention of him feeling overwhelmed by life as an adult, and that somewhere in the conversation there was talk of leaving, or wanting to retreat from Texas. Mama said that she doesn't feel like he knows what he wants or really what he wants his life to look like.

Really I bring this up to say, that feeling came. I got all tight in my chest and got really quiet. I pretty much had no words to say - good, bad or indifferent. I just silence myself. It's like I silence or I have silenced that part of myself and my life and it won't or doesn't know how to come out. I think mama sensed something too cause she asked me if she'd made me depressed by bringing it up. I said no, and that's true. I wouldn't consider the feeling I feel anything close to depressed. It is something though...something I can't really articulate.

All this stuff serves as a bit of an annoyance because there is a large part of me...not sure how large...if it's 40 or 50 or 35...but a part of me that really does think that he and I are kismet. We are our forevers. I don't know if this is the naive me who had a first love and can't let it go, or if that's the real me. Regardless of that...it exists and on top of that I can't seem to click with anyone else in the world. And interestingly enough, through my interactions with the world and with internet dating sites, I am starting to feel like the world is telling me the same thing. They tell me I'm too picky and no matches are ever delivered. In real life no one is interested, or I don't have the words to say, or in the case of Mr. J, someone else scoops him up and I can't do anything about it. Ahh...I just really wish I could understand it all. I wish I could understand me. I just wish I could see the grander picture....get a glimpse of me in 7 years time. By then will I have gotten to the place God wants me so that I can be with my mister? In the now I would like to know if I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing....am I serving as the source of my love-trials because I'm me or whatever?!? Ah...anyway...I gotta stop now. I could go in circles forever, and quite honestly I have real work to do before I hit the hay.

This too shall pass

I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain't happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning light

This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass.

- India.Arie

I started reading this article...

it was talkin' about...wait...the title was "How to mend a broken heart". So I'm intrigued. FALSE. I read said article and it tells you, or the reader, to go to a psychic...'cause though you may get the same advice from a close friend or family member, which is that Mr. Right is just around the corner, you may be more apt to believe it if it's comin' from a complete and total stranger who claims they can see into the future. What kinda garbage. So needless to say less than please I was...and it has unfortunately sent me into a bit of a funk. Yesterday, last night with Emelia, I saw Leap Year...and it's really funny how with others I'm oh so encouraging when it comes to meeting that right person for them. They're all like, "oh, it won't happen." and I'm always, no you're so good...and it's only a matter of time...only less b.s. sounding. But...yeah...watching that film and every other romantic comedy that exists in the world just totally reminds me of how blissfully happy I am during those 1.5 hours, and how that blissfully is removed as soon as the time is up...and sometimes the happy is preceded by an un-. It's seriously the pits...'cause I don't want it to be that way. And of course, even though I don't always intentionally keep tabs on MW or whatever, sometimes I manage to fun up on him...and it always makes me sad 'cause it's like...I don't understand. He's been in a state of perpetual bliss since we broke up....and I...well...have not. Not completely broken, but I haven't had so much as a prospect since our demise. There was that cute guy, Alex from the summer...but that was all of 2 days...and he was boring (never thought I'd be able to say that about someone else)...so that so doesn't count...every other dude I know is totally only interested in me platonically...and vice versa...honestly I don't even know any dudes really....let's see...Brian (friend...not my type physically), Lee (friend...not my type physically), Jermaine (married...not my type physically), Cord (gay...not my type physically)...and that's all she wrote folks...of course I get the occasional text from Tyrone, but we all know he's only into playing games...and just recently Kenny came back, but we already discussed him and he's interested in (legit) my master's program...oh and not to mention....not my type physically.

There's so much ridiculousness here. I don't feel like things are supposed to be this way. I just never imagined someone's life truly being better less me in it. He suffered not at all...and that makes no sense to me. That makes me feel as though I was like this horrible person and the reason I went through what I went through and why I'm still alone is because I'm being punished. It's pretty disheartening. I don't even know what to do about any of that like at all.

So I say to myself, self...really now, let's be so for real...reflect on that time period...and I do. And I'm not convinced that I was an awful person to him. So...that theory is out the window...but why else are things as they are? In such disarray from my vantage point? I recognize that I'm in a place right now where either myself or my mate is being prepared for the other...but here again...something I continue to struggle with....what do I do in the meantime? I'm gettin' antsy all over again...and it doesn't help that I don't particularly like where I am. This city sucks and I'm not even distracted by other things. Work-wise life is no bueno. The students are cool, but the super sucks...and not to mention...that whole used-to-have-a-crush-on-him-slash-sometimes-I-still-kinda-do-even-though-he's-definitely-dating-jenell....ah

...anyway...the moral of the story is I don't know why I'm in the position I'm in and he's in the position he's in and I'm the one w/o an anybody...and he's got a somebody...what is going on in life?!?

So pretty much I suck at life...

...and that's sad. I'm definitely sure that before, during break I had this idea...I had actually created a story in my head...which I am prone to do....quite often actually. It's my internal gap-filling....when I don't have real answers or reasons or whatever, I take whatever evidence I do have and create a story that makes sense to me...or that is maybe secretly what I want the reality to be....either way....a little bit ago...like 2-3 weeks before school let out for Christmas, I got a text from Kenny. It was weird...'cause I hadn't seen Kenny since my graduation day, and I hadn't spoken to Kenny since he left UTA, like 2 years ago...so much to my surprise in his text he's asking me how I am and how life is and such. So I text back....and he doesn't say anything....until like 3-4 weeks later when I'm at home. He's asking me about my program at UGA and stuff and how I like it. Of course, all of this is via text message, so it's like super difficult and a bit irritating. So I give him like 4-5 texts full of info and I say it's hard to talk about the program via text, but if he has specific questions I'll answer them. He responds back suggesting we get together for lunch or whatever to discuss the program further....so of course now i go to creating the motive or the middle story....the thing that connects the random initial text and then connects this sudden interest in CSAA....clearly one other than the one he already gave me...which is that he is looking into a program...right?!? Yeah, so Ebonii says, most undoubtedly b/c Ebonii desperately wants some sort of attention from males in general....that he totally doesn't completely care about CSAA and the like...he really is just using that as an excuse to hang out with me. Right.....so he doesn't text me back the whole friggin' break...so again I continued with my story. Then I have dinner with Eleanor and he sends me a text message asking me when i'm going back to Georgia...so I use that as a jump off and I started telling her about random people that had popped up, and I started with Tyrone...it's just too easy to start there, 'cause he still sends me texts and I haven't figured out why, 'cause he rarely replies to them and he doesn't seem to actually awnt to talk to me...anyway....of course, really I was looking for an excuse to tell someone about Kenny (who knew him, 'cause before that I told Kendra and when I was like "right, like he really wants to talk about the program..." she was all like, "why wouldn't he want to talk about it?!?" and I'm like "...oh...huh?!?") so they could validate my story....well Eleanor does what I need her to do, and she's like Kenny never sends text messages and he never communicates with people, so he must be ready to settle down and he remembered that you were a good catch and he's comin' back to claim you....Her words, not mine...so I'm like yeah....so after that night...I tell him that I'd be leaving the next day and he says nothing....so I'm like ok...whatever...and then today he calls. I'm like "Kenny"...in my head....actually it was out loud, but I live alone...so it was one of those exclamations that wouldn't have been audible were others around...anyway...he calls and what does he want to discuss?!? Graduate programs in student affairs....I fail...and I know not of what I assume I do. Namely...I don't know squat about dudes...and reading between lines...especially via text message....probably mostly 'cause there are no lines to read between. Ah, fail...anyway...he says he had to leave and he'll call again this weekend to inquire further. Giant fail. Anyway....it was a nice thought and lovely story while it existed in my head....

....oh my no....I forgot to mention the boss man interaction from earlier.....that must wait....I'm pretending as though I don't have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow.....except for that I do. .....TBC...

My name is Mary Fiore

So I'm totally sitting on my couch in my living room watching Four Christmases. I've been in Athens for 24 hours now. Twenty four full hours, and it doesn't get any better. Unfortunately. I went grocery shopping and back to school shopping...and I attempted to go work clothes shopping (but that didn't go over too well). Back at home, I cleaned and put groceries and such away and rearranged my clothes in their suitcases and cleaned my closet and cleaned up the living room and now I'm sittin...watching a movie....a love story...good exciting thing, I feel totally like Mary at the beginning of The Wedding Planner. She gets home sits and eats and watches tv and then she cleans before getting ready for bed. That's so me right now. Woo...but then I was like, un-woo b/c I'm sitting. On my couch. Alone. and definitely so was Mary when she was there. Only she pretended that life was grand for her....and she filled her days with lots of stuff and was totally a control freak in order to maintain the "everything is so legit and peachy" kind of aura....oh my no....doesn't that sound so familiar?!? Yeah 'cause it's me!

This is not looking good already. I know when I'm sad I get fat and oddly enough when I'm happy I lose some and then I get a little fat after that....yeah, so when I moved to Athens I gained like 3-5 pounds...and when I went home for break I totally lost 4-5 pounds....hmm...

Alright...if I'm Mary...I'll be Mary...I'll take that....if she is me...If I am her....where's my friggin' Steve?!? Of at least my Massimo?!? Oh, boo.