yearning, n. and adj.

"At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can be perfect."

It is amazing to me how other people manage to sum things up just perfectly when I can't even begin to dream of the right words to say or the proper syntax. Thinking always has been and probably always will be the thing that separates me from the best of times and my ultimate happiness. I wish I could hide the button and really take that memo from Nike and "just do it"...whatever "it" is. 

only, adj.

"That's the dilemma, isn't it? When you're single, there's the sadness and joy of only me. And when you're paired, there's the sadness and joy of only you."

 So there have been a number of different guys who combined were the "perfect" future for me. Or so I figure. There's that dance guy who traveled and spoke different languages and in a different font and he surrendered to an otherness that I'm not sure I will ever know. There were those 2 guys where talking to them was easier than I feel like it has ever been. The words just fall out of my mouth exactly the way I imagined them before we ever began our dialogue. With them I am at ease. I am calm. I am confident, or at least blissfully unaware of any desconfianza o duda de mi. I can playfully engage and even ask others out...others that I am not in the least bit attracted to, or am fearful of their potential lack of interest in me as well. I want that...I need that...I would like that to translate to my other interactions with others. Where I don't think about the possibility of a "no". I just go with purely carnal, hedonistic wants, thoughts, and notions in my head...and that is that. If it ends with a "yes"...legit...that's what I intended. If it ends with a "not right now" then I'm like ok...I'll plan for later.

I'm random I know. I don't make sense. But I totally do. Grr. I will get over myself and do something some day. I fear if I make a plan for some day then that day will never come...so I will plan to unplan and epitomize spontaneity. I will. I must. 

I, n.

"Me without anyone else."

I am 0 for 2...shooting 0% from the field

I can't win for losing on this message thing...this is exactly the way it ended last time...I initiate...he responds...I reply responding to his inquiry...he does nothing...

I should've learned from that experience...actually I did...and then I allowed myself to be swayed by outside influences...even though I kinda definitely knew how things were going to pan out...as much as I wanted to will God and the rest of the universe to have things go in a different direction...they definitely went in the way that things kinda always go...south. boo.

It will be what it is I suppose...so time for a u-turn and back to the interstate...I wonder where I'm headed this time...

I sent a message...

...I logged onto fb...he popped up into my newsfeed and I proceeded to open and send a (hopefully) very friendly and not-at-all awkward message saying

"Hey. You randomly popped up on my newsfeed and I thought we haven't seen each other in a good while and I wondered how you were....so...how are you? What have you been up to?"

I think the wording in that first sentence may be wrong...but that's pretty close. Now it's left up to him...and well...God...if this is supposed to blossom into a real friendship then so be it...if it's not...then we all know that I will get over it and move on. I can't help be admit that my life kind of definitely hopes it's the former rather than the latter.

What's done is done.

I want to send a message...

...but I'm more than terrified to do it. It's not a big deal I don't guess...it's just a simple message...but it really is a big deal. What if he doesn't respond? What if he thinks I'm a freak/loser/weirdo...what if I'm more than wrong about his relationship status and I go off and do something more than stupid? Arg...this would be so much easier if...I dunno he were to actually send me a message instead...I'm dreaming this I know...but come one...does a girl always have to reach out. Or...it would be infinitely easier if we were to be in the same place at the same time and no technology was necessary. That's actually the optimal situation. Ugh...I kinda had a message planned out a little bit...but then I looked at his fb page and ex-gf definitely has left comments on his wall and she's commented on some of his statuses. So...I don't know what to make of that. Does that just mean that they are good friends still...or does that mean that they might re-start something? Or have they already? All questions which technically could be answered if I were to send the dang blasted message...but potentially not in the event that he doesn't actually respond...b/c he could not respond b/c he's with homie-g...or who could not respond just because he's not interested...eek...boo...

I guess I should shut up about it b/c we all know that I am not going to actually do anything slash make a move or anything. Ah...woe is me who is a coward.

I think I'm gonna try...

...really hard to not like someone and maybe that'll turn into something. I've been having a week-long Romantic Comedy marathon...and it seems as though a good recipe for finding love is be unabashedly against it...and then boom...it's there. hmm...maybe that's a new priority of mine...maybe it won't be...we shall see...right now my job is to decide to continue being a scaredy cat and not send a harmless message to one BG...or to just do it and see where it goes...what harm can come from an email? Right?....not convinced...

I have not posted...

...in what feels like an eternity...and that's not to say that life hasn't been happening...I can actually put stuff own with regard to my romantic life...well...kinda....so...I don't remember when it was, but I got bored...and of course we all know that me and boredom should not every be in collaboration with one another. But it doesn't matter 'cause it happened. I got bored and I subsequently went through the painful process that is signing up for e-harmony. Now this isn't my first time being on this site....no, it's like my 2nd. The first time was a couple of years back like right after the whole MW meltdown...Brittany made me do it. I signed up and did the free thing and only really communicated on the free communication weekends. That worked kinda, but eventually there was a pretty decent deal so I actually paid for 3 months of service. Three months. All I got were old dudes with boring professions (engineers or computer programmers or stuff like that). I even went on a date(ish) with one guy. He wasn't cute...which is the only not so great thing about not paying (b/c you don't get to see pictures). He was way too touchy-feely and I could've punched myself for actually going through with this date. So when that thing cancelled, I killed it and deleted my profile. Alright....so let's go present tense now. I don't know what I did...or what I was thinking, but I definitely signed myself up again. I was a little less intense with my requirements and I went in with...I don't know...but I did similar stuff just the free stuff and free weekends. I had gotten into conversation with 3 guys at one point (Jawanzaa, Cartez, and Stephen)...um...Jawanzaa and I were texting and I even spoke to him on the phone once...but it wasn't there...Cartez....we were just at email mode...he asked for my number and claimed that there'd be a call on the first of the year but then he didn't...so it is what it is...and then Stephen...that's the person that's been going the longest...'til yesterday I guess...um...we were supposed to hang out while I was home for the break but then that didn't happen and I think my subsequent explanation for why I'm not in Texas any more I think broke the bank b/c I texted him about it and then something about his activities...and then he responded not...so I'm assuming it's a not-so-much on that one...

So....like for real I was like a player....or the most "player" I could've ever gotten...I think I'm a perpetual flirt..but I never close the deal. When Cartez asked for my phone number I let the email sit for a solid month just b/c I for some reason feel like when we get to that level the pretend relationship we could've maybe had would cease to exist. And funny thing, I was ok(ish) with going out on a real date with Stephen, but I freaked out when he asked me if he could hear the sound of my voice. Totally jumped out of my life...and subsequently didn't text back with regard to that particular text...I just pretended like I didn't get it at let it be....

Saying something is wrong with me I think would be an understatement...unfortunately...I don't know...It's almost as if I have a desire to be with myself for forever...but that's not the truth because I kinda definitely want a  family and that means I have to enter into a relationship with someone first right?! Yeah buddy....grr...

Ok...well...I got nothing, so I'm probably, definitely gonna go now. It's back to square one for me.

He's back...

...and I don't know why. and I'm afraid to ask why. why? because that means I'd have to be prepared for the answer. could it be bad? no, not really because it can't be bad. he's in a relationship which has lasted way longer than that thing we had...so clearly he's happy where he is. so then, why? oh, my fail...I don't know. maybe it's because for the first time in a long time this seems to be something that brings me happiness. I look forward to the text messages. It feels very surreal to me. we're not friends by any means...so it's almost like he's this random, faceless, nameless stranger who is just passing through...we have our escapade or whatever it should be called....we liaise and then we're done. asking questions and getting answers about anything remotely close to me or him makes it all too real. it makes it all too serious...and it highlights the fact that there will be an end because there has to be. things can't go on like this forever. though we can definitely always be separated by distance and time and things said, and unsaid and things that have happened and those that have yet to come...something about just broaching the subject of why, at this time in this place and space have you decided to contact me that just ruins it all. this is the one time I don't want to think about possibilities...and if I ask the question that's not something I'll be able to avoid. because even when/if I were to get an answer I would dissect it and figure out whether or not it was truth or just some message embedded within a message. ah...too much...this is too much. he's too much. but I can't let go. he's back...