I love mark torrez more than j.lo herself! Not really but i like him a lot!

What is wrong with me?!?

Seriously, this is a question I desparately need answered. I'm a giant ball of thoughts and emotions and highs and lows and everything elses...I don't know what to do with any of it. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing with my right now. Should I be doing what I'm doing right now? Is this a test? If so, am I failing it? Why? That's the biggest question...I welcome the present...but why now? What is this? Am I going to serioulsy regret this later? When is later? Ah!

Saw the Back-up Plan. Twice now. And every time it gets to the end where Jen tells the guy that he needs to leave I can't help but see myself in that movie. The tactic she used was one I myself used too...but the different between her guy and mine is that he actually wanted to stay and mine did not. I don't know how not to freak out though...I don't know how to trust people really...I don't know how to do that...and I was hoping that I was getting practice with this new batch of people I'm surrounded by...new people to be potentially friends and I need to trust them right...but I'm in the same position as I've been in. I can't say that I trust most of them with my me...my full me that is. I feel like they're selfish ad they won't care for the things I give them as though they were their own. And if I see that in a person, why would I willingly give them such precious gifts? Would that not be beyond idiotic?!?

I have a very active imagination...

So...it's not secret that I read...a lot. And it should also come as no secret as I don't date....a lot....actually...probably closer to not at all...but you know, it is what it is (or at least that's how I'm going to deal with it right now).

Ok, so when I started this I was going to open up and say some very embarrassing things, right...but as I'm trying to get into the meat of life, I feel like I'm not going to be that open. Like for serious. We'll just say. I read. I imagine. And I imagine well. And it makes me sad. Ok done.

Is it their age...or is it more about race

I often wonder if there's something about the race of a guy that determinies his readiness for a longterm committed relationship...I used to think it was only the age thing...but now I'm sure it's like an amalgamation of age and race and upbringing/family life and timing I guess....I don't know...but ok...so one of my bestest friends, Brittany has definitely been in a relationship for just under a year. I think this month will make a year (not completely sure b/c it ain't my relationship and I'm not sure if they count the entire "pre exclusive" part as a part of this year or not)...anyway...in this almost year, it is already understood that their next stop is marriage. Period. I'm pretty sure I did that dance...for two years and that ended in...actually i'm not gonna finish that statement...it ended...and that's what's most important...so right so, the difference between Brittany and her bf and me and my then bf is that me and mine are black and she and hers are white.

So basically...it's time to do some personal research...polling the audience.

I thought, but now I'm un-thinking...

Ok so first thing, there is something so wrong with me. I am seriously having these weird feelings...all about the three-letter s-word that I don't do or really use...it's odd...and the thoughts/fantasies or whatever don't include dudes...wait...there's a guy, but he has no face...so it's not like I'm envisioning any particular person...I just feel. Aarrrgh...anyway...that's one thing that's problematic...and then at one point I thought there was a problem with BQ. Before I left school we made a ritual of going to see a movie every so often...and then when I come home for breaks now we always go to see something. It's fun. Well this last time was this past weekend. We say Shrek 4 (I think). Movie was good. He drove this time rather than us meeting there...his way of disproving the fact that he always subtly shoos me away after our talks post-film. Anyway...we watch the movie and then we went to Target so he could get a PS3 (I think a waste of borrowed funds...but it's not my job to pay it back, so who cares)...and then we went back to his summer abode just cause. We watched Criminal Minds (which I haven't indulged in in quite some time) so I was happy about that. He hooked up his system and we half-talked...eventually as I was preparing to leave, Dre came in and gave me the longest-tightest hug ever. It was nice, b/c I don't get hugs like that. BQ also made a point to create this sign that said I'm his number 1 priority this summer...a sign I'm sure was removed when I left...to make sure he's free of all speculation (or maybe that's what I secretly hope b/c I don't want others to speculate...I don't know). But yeah, so I leave. BQ walks me to my car. I turn it on, and get back out to say my official goodbye. He gives me a hug and picks me up from the ground. As he lowers me back down he gives me a kiss on the cheek. So...in my car on the way home I'm thinking to myself...is he getting serious?!? And then in the midst of a text message conversation he says

"Why can't you accept I like u ebonii. U always act like I shove u to the side"

So clearly, I left his grammar as he wrote it...anyway...so bundle that with a kiss and I'm thinking again...is he getting serious on me. Now...I don't recall what I responded back to him, and my new phone only keeps the last 20 sent messages, so there is no way to recover my responses...but I am wondering/afraid that he meant "like-like" when he said "like"...and I'm not there. I think BQ is a very nice guy, but a nice guy for someone else. He's sweet, but he's also still got some maturing to do. He's slightly homophobic, and he inadvertently plays games. I think he's going to grow into a wonderful man, but he's not there yet. I have fun hanging out with him b/c it's light, and he always asks for advice and that's one thing I enjoy giving. But if he's jumped the fence then that complicates things, b/c I'm cool with hanging out, but I don't want to lead him on. So since I'm too much of a punk to just ask (out loud) what his "like" means...I'm sitting in an awkward purgatorial place. I have to wait for him to show/do something that warrants me telling him that he doesn't actually like me, and that he has misplaced feelings, b/c he doesn't really know me. But until I know

Ok...I take all of that back...I just had a convo with Kolya...you know to talk it all out...and I think I'm good now...and on top of that I went ahead and asked BQ about the drive-in and he didn't really jump at the opportunity so I figure that means tat all is still in friendship land, which works well for my life.

Alright...I'm done with this...

One Giant Singles-Dump

So, I'm sure my lack of enties is because I'm trying to pretend as though I don't have dating woes...the real world knows I do...so I'm certain that's why it continues to laugh at me. The Mario thing is over. I feel like that's what this entire texting thing has shown me...but it hasn't been like he's done, and I'm still holding on...I think honestly it's a mutual done thing. I still very much get excited by the Mario that I knew when I was 21. He and I worked well together. We made each other laugh. I felt like we challenged each other, and I think we felt comfortable around each other. I still feel like that initial getting together thing is something I am looking for with my future Mister. Um...but today...right now...this Mario is not the one. I know when we started the texting thing I was like uber-excited b/c I miss interaction. I miss communication and stuff...but there were times when I felt completely misunderstood in my texts...and also there were times he just sounded so matter-of-fact...like a robot I told him...and it made me laugh...but it also made me a bit irritated. It's like that Milton guy, who when I asked how he ended up where he was he gave this story that wasn't really a story. I wanted to know all the highs and lows of getting to where he was and he was just...I don't know...left so much out. I said to MW in text that I was being very transparent...and he was like "I am too"...but there's some of me that says he wasn't being all that transparent. Anyway...he's not what I need..not the him he is today anyway.








So now that leaves me back at square 0. Am I saddened by that...yeah-ish. Ish because sad isn't necessarily the proper adjective...but I can't think of the right one...so we're just gonna go with that for the time being. I have uncovered 2 things though....I spend a significant amount of time looking at other people's relationships and honestly wondering how and why. Not to say that anyone else's relationship is lacking or that there's something wrong with them...but I always stop and think to myself...what the heck is wrong with me. Like so for real...maybe people I've known from college have grown in ways I cannot even fathom, b/c I haven't yet...but really, really...real talk...where have they found their "One"? Where are they...and what's worse is that...ok...though these seem unrelated...they so are...I've gotten the question, more than once, of whether or not marriage is something that I actually want to pursue. So is that to mean that I don't give off the "I want to get married and have a family" vibe? Cause if that's the case, that ain't good. And the second thing I have uncovered is that I'm way too into my reading...I'm falling head over heels in love with fictional characters...and that has to be the saddest thing ever...but I can't help it. It's like I see so much of myself in what I read and it just seems natural to fall right into their lives...and their lives always end up in better circumstances than me.

My journal is supposed to be my safe space...

...to seriously talk about what's going on in my world. And it pains me to say that right now, that is most definitely not the case. Not the case for this particular issue. It's stupid, I know it is.....but it is the way it is, and I don't know what to do about it. I really want to talk it out with someone, but I honestly don't want anyone all in my business, and I feel like talking about it means that I'll be making it a bigger deal than what it is. But I'm going crazy keeping it all inside...and I'm praying about it...but I'm seriously not hearing, not understanding...I'm just not....and that's driving me even more insane. What am I supposed to be doing?!?

Yell it at me. I need to know. All I know is what I want to do, and I'm not sure if that want is my fleshly side, or if that want is there b/c that's what You would have me do. I don't know...and then I thought my answer was delivered to me when he didn't respond to me, and that was something I was gonna have to grapple with, but at least I had my answer...and now he has responded...like there was no time in between. He just picked up the conversation where we left off....my chest is in knots right now b/c I want to respond. I want to respond like now. When I heard my phone light up (with texts) like 15 thousand times I knew exactly where they were coming from...and it took a lot for me to open them...and like my heart often does when it comes to him...it started beating a lot and I started freaking out internally. Ugh...and now I'm so confused.