I thought, but now I'm un-thinking...

Ok so first thing, there is something so wrong with me. I am seriously having these weird feelings...all about the three-letter s-word that I don't do or really use...it's odd...and the thoughts/fantasies or whatever don't include dudes...wait...there's a guy, but he has no face...so it's not like I'm envisioning any particular person...I just feel. Aarrrgh...anyway...that's one thing that's problematic...and then at one point I thought there was a problem with BQ. Before I left school we made a ritual of going to see a movie every so often...and then when I come home for breaks now we always go to see something. It's fun. Well this last time was this past weekend. We say Shrek 4 (I think). Movie was good. He drove this time rather than us meeting there...his way of disproving the fact that he always subtly shoos me away after our talks post-film. Anyway...we watch the movie and then we went to Target so he could get a PS3 (I think a waste of borrowed funds...but it's not my job to pay it back, so who cares)...and then we went back to his summer abode just cause. We watched Criminal Minds (which I haven't indulged in in quite some time) so I was happy about that. He hooked up his system and we half-talked...eventually as I was preparing to leave, Dre came in and gave me the longest-tightest hug ever. It was nice, b/c I don't get hugs like that. BQ also made a point to create this sign that said I'm his number 1 priority this summer...a sign I'm sure was removed when I left...to make sure he's free of all speculation (or maybe that's what I secretly hope b/c I don't want others to speculate...I don't know). But yeah, so I leave. BQ walks me to my car. I turn it on, and get back out to say my official goodbye. He gives me a hug and picks me up from the ground. As he lowers me back down he gives me a kiss on the cheek. So...in my car on the way home I'm thinking to myself...is he getting serious?!? And then in the midst of a text message conversation he says

"Why can't you accept I like u ebonii. U always act like I shove u to the side"

So clearly, I left his grammar as he wrote it...anyway...so bundle that with a kiss and I'm thinking again...is he getting serious on me. Now...I don't recall what I responded back to him, and my new phone only keeps the last 20 sent messages, so there is no way to recover my responses...but I am wondering/afraid that he meant "like-like" when he said "like"...and I'm not there. I think BQ is a very nice guy, but a nice guy for someone else. He's sweet, but he's also still got some maturing to do. He's slightly homophobic, and he inadvertently plays games. I think he's going to grow into a wonderful man, but he's not there yet. I have fun hanging out with him b/c it's light, and he always asks for advice and that's one thing I enjoy giving. But if he's jumped the fence then that complicates things, b/c I'm cool with hanging out, but I don't want to lead him on. So since I'm too much of a punk to just ask (out loud) what his "like" means...I'm sitting in an awkward purgatorial place. I have to wait for him to show/do something that warrants me telling him that he doesn't actually like me, and that he has misplaced feelings, b/c he doesn't really know me. But until I know

Ok...I take all of that back...I just had a convo with Kolya...you know to talk it all out...and I think I'm good now...and on top of that I went ahead and asked BQ about the drive-in and he didn't really jump at the opportunity so I figure that means tat all is still in friendship land, which works well for my life.

Alright...I'm done with this...

One Giant Singles-Dump

So, I'm sure my lack of enties is because I'm trying to pretend as though I don't have dating woes...the real world knows I do...so I'm certain that's why it continues to laugh at me. The Mario thing is over. I feel like that's what this entire texting thing has shown me...but it hasn't been like he's done, and I'm still holding on...I think honestly it's a mutual done thing. I still very much get excited by the Mario that I knew when I was 21. He and I worked well together. We made each other laugh. I felt like we challenged each other, and I think we felt comfortable around each other. I still feel like that initial getting together thing is something I am looking for with my future Mister. Um...but today...right now...this Mario is not the one. I know when we started the texting thing I was like uber-excited b/c I miss interaction. I miss communication and stuff...but there were times when I felt completely misunderstood in my texts...and also there were times he just sounded so matter-of-fact...like a robot I told him...and it made me laugh...but it also made me a bit irritated. It's like that Milton guy, who when I asked how he ended up where he was he gave this story that wasn't really a story. I wanted to know all the highs and lows of getting to where he was and he was just...I don't know...left so much out. I said to MW in text that I was being very transparent...and he was like "I am too"...but there's some of me that says he wasn't being all that transparent. Anyway...he's not what I need..not the him he is today anyway.








So now that leaves me back at square 0. Am I saddened by that...yeah-ish. Ish because sad isn't necessarily the proper adjective...but I can't think of the right one...so we're just gonna go with that for the time being. I have uncovered 2 things though....I spend a significant amount of time looking at other people's relationships and honestly wondering how and why. Not to say that anyone else's relationship is lacking or that there's something wrong with them...but I always stop and think to myself...what the heck is wrong with me. Like so for real...maybe people I've known from college have grown in ways I cannot even fathom, b/c I haven't yet...but really, really...real talk...where have they found their "One"? Where are they...and what's worse is that...ok...though these seem unrelated...they so are...I've gotten the question, more than once, of whether or not marriage is something that I actually want to pursue. So is that to mean that I don't give off the "I want to get married and have a family" vibe? Cause if that's the case, that ain't good. And the second thing I have uncovered is that I'm way too into my reading...I'm falling head over heels in love with fictional characters...and that has to be the saddest thing ever...but I can't help it. It's like I see so much of myself in what I read and it just seems natural to fall right into their lives...and their lives always end up in better circumstances than me.

My journal is supposed to be my safe space...

...to seriously talk about what's going on in my world. And it pains me to say that right now, that is most definitely not the case. Not the case for this particular issue. It's stupid, I know it is.....but it is the way it is, and I don't know what to do about it. I really want to talk it out with someone, but I honestly don't want anyone all in my business, and I feel like talking about it means that I'll be making it a bigger deal than what it is. But I'm going crazy keeping it all inside...and I'm praying about it...but I'm seriously not hearing, not understanding...I'm just not....and that's driving me even more insane. What am I supposed to be doing?!?

Yell it at me. I need to know. All I know is what I want to do, and I'm not sure if that want is my fleshly side, or if that want is there b/c that's what You would have me do. I don't know...and then I thought my answer was delivered to me when he didn't respond to me, and that was something I was gonna have to grapple with, but at least I had my answer...and now he has responded...like there was no time in between. He just picked up the conversation where we left off....my chest is in knots right now b/c I want to respond. I want to respond like now. When I heard my phone light up (with texts) like 15 thousand times I knew exactly where they were coming from...and it took a lot for me to open them...and like my heart often does when it comes to him...it started beating a lot and I started freaking out internally. Ugh...and now I'm so confused.

So...that guy who got my number on the dance floor....

...he used it. Yesterday, last night he texted me. I'm not sure that I'm at all excited about this. Now I wasn't particularly excited when we danced in the first place. Mostly cause he didn't particularly know what he was doing. So yeah...but he sent me a text yesterday asking me how things were going and all that jazz. We talked fairly sporadically from about 3 til like 8ish. It was like pulling teeth, and I was pretty glad we weren't communicating via the phone....cause that could've been painful. He's getting his masters in counseling and he's currently a youth counselor. He was saying he does all kinds...but I wasn't buying that. He essentially said that he had like a perfect journey to counseling...and that he feels it's his God-given profession. I was just not moved...and I don't know if he really is boring to me, or i'm still sore over the fact that Stan is the person I was hoping to have made a connection with. I don't know. But I do know...it was weird that after our convo...like 2 hours later he texted me saying it was nice that I asked him questions, and the "session" was good, and it was "refreshing" to have someone ask him questions....wtfrick?!? what is this "session"...and this morning he texted me wishing me a good day...I just don't know...what's wrong with me?!? I think i was set up for failure with guys. Things began so perfectly that first time...I just keep hoping and wanting and expecting that that'll be that way for all future potential experiences...and those that aren't I'm not concerned with. Could I potentially be blocking myself from my "Mister" b/c of that?!?

I'm an idiot...

...so this weekend was the Southeastern Greek Leadership Summit in Atlanta, Georgia. I had the distinct pleasure of being a facilitator...and chaperon to about 12 UGA students. Nothing terribly exciting happened on this trip, until the closing ceremony. We had a speaker, Stan Pearson. He did an entire presentation called, "No Chips with this Salsa". It was fun and interactive. In it, he talked about supporting others and he taught this through teaching Salsa. It was fantastic, and it allowed me to do Salsa. And we know I love that. Oh, right, so at one point he said something about how it's not like he was speaking Spanish, and there was a girl, Marissa, who was like, "hey, I speak Spanish" and he started speaking Spanish...ah....so of course...and this point in time, he dances and he speaks Spanish...so I'm smitten. And after the thing was all said and done, and many people who were there noticed that I was not a novice Salsa dancer, the lead guy, and Greek Life guy from UGA, Lamar asked Mr. Stan if he'd be willing to stay later. Before that Stan suggested a salsa club in Atlanta called Loca Luna. Then the question, and he agreed, and then we stopped to take a lot of pictures. Um, then Stan turns the music on, El Cantante....so again I am going crazy b/c I know this song. It's a great song! So it's he and I to dance. Starts off rocky 'cause I was like can I go on 1 or 2...but in real life I only go on 1. It's what feels most comfortable to me. So we established that, and then started dancing. I messed up, a lot, but it was fun. And we'd stop and re-start, and then just keep going. I'm really awkward and not so much sensual in the dance...but we know this...and yeah...will work on it I suppose. But it was amazing...then after me he attempted to dance with this student, Holly, and they didn't make it very far. Afterward we were talking and he suggested the club again. This time he was giving instructions on how to get there. Now, here is where I was probably making something out of nothing b/c I wanted to, but it is what it is. But both Je'nell and I were standing there listening to him, but he was totally looking at me as he was talking. Not sharing the eye contact between the two of us. So he's talking and he gives the the info and searches for the address. Um, and he winks at me. And he shook my hand, but not like a business meeting shake...more like a hand holding type of shake and thanked me for the dance and he was like, hopefully you all can come. Well....I was freakin' ecstatic. So I was like yeah we're going...and Je'nell is like I don't have anything to wear and I'm like, I don't care b/c I want to go. So we get dressed...oh...forgot...he gave digits, but since I'm an idiot I didn't get my phone out in time enough to get it so he gave it to Je'nell instead. So we/she texted him to see when we should get there. And we got dressed, made a quick stop at Walgreens for some essentials I needed, and then we were on our way. We finally get there, and Ebonii - real life me - wakes up and freaks out! I was having a mild panic attack in the car, freaking out about maybe I shouldn't go, and he probably isn't actually even remotely slightly interested, I was just breathing more life into that b/c I wanted to. He was probably just being nice. Maybe he won't even be there when we get there... I was doing the most...or the "utmost" as Cord would say. But Je'nell gives me a pep talk...and eventually I tell myself to suck it up and get out of the car. So I get out and we go in and we get to a comfortable place in the club...and interestingly enough I spot him through the crowd with some chicks who look like it's a birthday party. He's dancing with one. So I'm like ugh. This random old sweaty guy asks me to dance, so I do...he was a pretty good lead...we stop and Stan disappears...but in the meantime some other guy asks me to dance, Milton...I have his name b/c by the end of the dance he asks my name and asks for my number...we do that thing and then I departed from him. Je'nell and I walk to the bar so she can get a drink. While standing, Stan sees us, and he comes from behind. This part is crucial...see me watching romantic comedies, I think has set me up to look for things I should...in Hitch, Hitch tells Albert that when he's walking with Allegra that he has to watch his hand placement. Too high means, we're just friends...too low means, I just want to get into bed, so it has to be perfect placement...I'm gonna go with Stan's hand placement was very near bra strap level, which is in the friend zone...which I'm ok with with I suppose, but still a little sad...anyway...he pauses to talk to a friend and Je'nell gets her drink. He turns back around and he asks if we got what we needed...and I'm like she got her drink...and he says, the next round is on him...and I'm like, I don't drink, but I'm sure you can pick up hers. And he's like, well your next water is on me (lol)...and he makes no mention of Je'nell...then some other chick comes up and she's all in his ear, so Je'nell and I depart...not too far...but we leave nonetheless and she tells me I can't look for him anymore...well...that whole method fails b/c then I can't find him anymore. And he never comes to me. So we're dancing, and then they're changing the music up...sad day. But we stay dancing until I'm at the point where I kinda want to leave and  I know Je'nell totally wants to leave. So we do a walk through. I see him near the bathroom...and so I walk by with my head down...in my head hoping that he sees me, and like reaches out for my arm, or something of the like...but of course that doesn't happen...instead the song changes to a good one, and then when I look to see where he was, he'd disappeared again. And then I was like...I guess we should go. Before that some little Spanish guy asked me to dance. We danced to a salsa song then to some house music mix....and then Je'nell and I left. I was really upset and totally like....I knew I'd be rejected...that's why I didn't want to go in in the first place. And she was like, you weren't rejected. You dance with 3 different dudes...and then she was trying to make it about her saying no one asked her to dance, and I'm like 1) who cares, you have a boyfriend, 2) you were totally on your phone the whole time, 3) who cares, you have a boyfriend! But yeah...I'm like, it's not about all those dudes...it's about the one that I came for...I wish I had the confidence to just be like, yo, let's dance. I really liked that...and just to be that girl/lady or whatever that's so suave and things sound right when she says them...but I don't..and that's seriously frustrating....ah...

Quality Time & Words of Affirmation

Took a quiz on the 5 Love Languages website and those are tied for my main modes of expressing love. And I would say they are pretty dead on. I crave time spent with those that I love and care about. I actually get a little sad when it doesn't happen...additionally, I think that's what sets me up for failure/causes debates with others...when I have a problem, I'm going to you to discuss it and spent QT with you, not to get a quick response and call it a day...I'm capable of making my own decisions. The other language that's perfect to me is the WOA. Though I'm not affectionate in my language and I'm really bad at giving praise and in general telling others they matter and that I'm glad they exist (in that regard I appeal more to those who are "Gift Getting" speakers)...but I like and need to hear words of affirmation regularly. It hel;s me...I can't explain exactly how, but it helps me feel a bit more composed and complete.

Really what does this have to do with anything?!? Nothing honestly...it's just something I've found. I "enrolled" if you will in the YahooPersonals....it's a bit of a bust...partially 'cause I refuse to pay the fee, and the other part is because I just don't see anyone who appeals to my ideal guy...the portrait I have. Random pre-thing...mama randomly did this guy's taxes and she told him I'd call him (of course I didn't and won't) and she showed him my photos on facebook...he said I was pretty...but that could also be because mama was there. Like, would he honestly say I was ugly to her?!? Prolly not...so it is what it is.

Random guy who friended me on fb also commented on one of my pics, calling me a "hot nerd" and he "liked" a pic of me in a bathing suit in PR. It was weird to me, b/c I don't know him and I have no links to him. Technically it shouldn't matter, and actually it doesn't...I'm just mentioning it b/c honestly I was very much happy to read that some random person though I was "hot". I'm moving away from that idea of me not even being remotely pretty...but it does help/ it is nice to hear that I'm attractive once in a while.

I have mixed feelings about MW. It's weird. I mean...I won't lie and say I haven't had dreams of him like totally fulfilling something very Wedding Planner-esque...but it real life...priceless...I have daysodes all the time...I can speak of him...not generally using his name, but I can use him/ his actions in the context of a conversation...but no lie, if others speak of him, I'm suddenly in defensive mode. My chest starts hurting and gets locked up and I just get angry and a whole lot of different other things in the process...I don't know what is up with that, but it happens.

(9:24P)
Alright, so I took a nap and then I came back...interestingly enough mama called and one topic of her conversation was MW. She recently finished up his taxes and she was recapping her conversation/experience with him. She said she discussed his future with his Psych degree; apparently he prefers research to actual practice. Um, there was mention of him feeling overwhelmed by life as an adult, and that somewhere in the conversation there was talk of leaving, or wanting to retreat from Texas. Mama said that she doesn't feel like he knows what he wants or really what he wants his life to look like.

Really I bring this up to say, that feeling came. I got all tight in my chest and got really quiet. I pretty much had no words to say - good, bad or indifferent. I just silence myself. It's like I silence or I have silenced that part of myself and my life and it won't or doesn't know how to come out. I think mama sensed something too cause she asked me if she'd made me depressed by bringing it up. I said no, and that's true. I wouldn't consider the feeling I feel anything close to depressed. It is something though...something I can't really articulate.

All this stuff serves as a bit of an annoyance because there is a large part of me...not sure how large...if it's 40 or 50 or 35...but a part of me that really does think that he and I are kismet. We are our forevers. I don't know if this is the naive me who had a first love and can't let it go, or if that's the real me. Regardless of that...it exists and on top of that I can't seem to click with anyone else in the world. And interestingly enough, through my interactions with the world and with internet dating sites, I am starting to feel like the world is telling me the same thing. They tell me I'm too picky and no matches are ever delivered. In real life no one is interested, or I don't have the words to say, or in the case of Mr. J, someone else scoops him up and I can't do anything about it. Ahh...I just really wish I could understand it all. I wish I could understand me. I just wish I could see the grander picture....get a glimpse of me in 7 years time. By then will I have gotten to the place God wants me so that I can be with my mister? In the now I would like to know if I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing....am I serving as the source of my love-trials because I'm me or whatever?!? Ah...anyway...I gotta stop now. I could go in circles forever, and quite honestly I have real work to do before I hit the hay.

This too shall pass

I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain't happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning light

This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass.

- India.Arie