Quality Time & Words of Affirmation

Took a quiz on the 5 Love Languages website and those are tied for my main modes of expressing love. And I would say they are pretty dead on. I crave time spent with those that I love and care about. I actually get a little sad when it doesn't happen...additionally, I think that's what sets me up for failure/causes debates with others...when I have a problem, I'm going to you to discuss it and spent QT with you, not to get a quick response and call it a day...I'm capable of making my own decisions. The other language that's perfect to me is the WOA. Though I'm not affectionate in my language and I'm really bad at giving praise and in general telling others they matter and that I'm glad they exist (in that regard I appeal more to those who are "Gift Getting" speakers)...but I like and need to hear words of affirmation regularly. It hel;s me...I can't explain exactly how, but it helps me feel a bit more composed and complete.

Really what does this have to do with anything?!? Nothing honestly...it's just something I've found. I "enrolled" if you will in the YahooPersonals....it's a bit of a bust...partially 'cause I refuse to pay the fee, and the other part is because I just don't see anyone who appeals to my ideal guy...the portrait I have. Random pre-thing...mama randomly did this guy's taxes and she told him I'd call him (of course I didn't and won't) and she showed him my photos on facebook...he said I was pretty...but that could also be because mama was there. Like, would he honestly say I was ugly to her?!? Prolly not...so it is what it is.

Random guy who friended me on fb also commented on one of my pics, calling me a "hot nerd" and he "liked" a pic of me in a bathing suit in PR. It was weird to me, b/c I don't know him and I have no links to him. Technically it shouldn't matter, and actually it doesn't...I'm just mentioning it b/c honestly I was very much happy to read that some random person though I was "hot". I'm moving away from that idea of me not even being remotely pretty...but it does help/ it is nice to hear that I'm attractive once in a while.

I have mixed feelings about MW. It's weird. I mean...I won't lie and say I haven't had dreams of him like totally fulfilling something very Wedding Planner-esque...but it real life...priceless...I have daysodes all the time...I can speak of him...not generally using his name, but I can use him/ his actions in the context of a conversation...but no lie, if others speak of him, I'm suddenly in defensive mode. My chest starts hurting and gets locked up and I just get angry and a whole lot of different other things in the process...I don't know what is up with that, but it happens.

(9:24P)
Alright, so I took a nap and then I came back...interestingly enough mama called and one topic of her conversation was MW. She recently finished up his taxes and she was recapping her conversation/experience with him. She said she discussed his future with his Psych degree; apparently he prefers research to actual practice. Um, there was mention of him feeling overwhelmed by life as an adult, and that somewhere in the conversation there was talk of leaving, or wanting to retreat from Texas. Mama said that she doesn't feel like he knows what he wants or really what he wants his life to look like.

Really I bring this up to say, that feeling came. I got all tight in my chest and got really quiet. I pretty much had no words to say - good, bad or indifferent. I just silence myself. It's like I silence or I have silenced that part of myself and my life and it won't or doesn't know how to come out. I think mama sensed something too cause she asked me if she'd made me depressed by bringing it up. I said no, and that's true. I wouldn't consider the feeling I feel anything close to depressed. It is something though...something I can't really articulate.

All this stuff serves as a bit of an annoyance because there is a large part of me...not sure how large...if it's 40 or 50 or 35...but a part of me that really does think that he and I are kismet. We are our forevers. I don't know if this is the naive me who had a first love and can't let it go, or if that's the real me. Regardless of that...it exists and on top of that I can't seem to click with anyone else in the world. And interestingly enough, through my interactions with the world and with internet dating sites, I am starting to feel like the world is telling me the same thing. They tell me I'm too picky and no matches are ever delivered. In real life no one is interested, or I don't have the words to say, or in the case of Mr. J, someone else scoops him up and I can't do anything about it. Ahh...I just really wish I could understand it all. I wish I could understand me. I just wish I could see the grander picture....get a glimpse of me in 7 years time. By then will I have gotten to the place God wants me so that I can be with my mister? In the now I would like to know if I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing....am I serving as the source of my love-trials because I'm me or whatever?!? Ah...anyway...I gotta stop now. I could go in circles forever, and quite honestly I have real work to do before I hit the hay.

This too shall pass

I achieved so much in life
But I’m an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
But my emotions are bankrupt

My body is nice and strong
But my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
But when the night falls so does my tears

Sometimes the beatings so loud in my heart
That I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
That I can barely hear what God says

Then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angel’s whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day one day will be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

The one that loved me the most
Turned around and hurt me the worse
I’m doing my best to move on
But the pain just keeps singing me songs

My head and my heart are at war
Cause love ain't happening the way I wanted
Feel like I’m about to break down
Can’t hear the light at the end of the tunnel

So I pray for healing in my heart
To be put back together what is torn apart
And I pray for quiet in my head
That I can hear clearly what God says

Then I hear the whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the Angels whisper that this too shall pass
My ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
So I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of sudden I realize
That it only hurts worse to fight it
So I embrace my shadow
And hold on to the morning light

This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
This Too Shall Pass
I hear the angels whisper
that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper
Even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday.
I hear my angels whisper.
I hear my angels whisper.
This too shall pass.

- India.Arie

I started reading this article...

it was talkin' about...wait...the title was "How to mend a broken heart". So I'm intrigued. FALSE. I read said article and it tells you, or the reader, to go to a psychic...'cause though you may get the same advice from a close friend or family member, which is that Mr. Right is just around the corner, you may be more apt to believe it if it's comin' from a complete and total stranger who claims they can see into the future. What kinda garbage. So needless to say less than please I was...and it has unfortunately sent me into a bit of a funk. Yesterday, last night with Emelia, I saw Leap Year...and it's really funny how with others I'm oh so encouraging when it comes to meeting that right person for them. They're all like, "oh, it won't happen." and I'm always, no you're so good...and it's only a matter of time...only less b.s. sounding. But...yeah...watching that film and every other romantic comedy that exists in the world just totally reminds me of how blissfully happy I am during those 1.5 hours, and how that blissfully is removed as soon as the time is up...and sometimes the happy is preceded by an un-. It's seriously the pits...'cause I don't want it to be that way. And of course, even though I don't always intentionally keep tabs on MW or whatever, sometimes I manage to fun up on him...and it always makes me sad 'cause it's like...I don't understand. He's been in a state of perpetual bliss since we broke up....and I...well...have not. Not completely broken, but I haven't had so much as a prospect since our demise. There was that cute guy, Alex from the summer...but that was all of 2 days...and he was boring (never thought I'd be able to say that about someone else)...so that so doesn't count...every other dude I know is totally only interested in me platonically...and vice versa...honestly I don't even know any dudes really....let's see...Brian (friend...not my type physically), Lee (friend...not my type physically), Jermaine (married...not my type physically), Cord (gay...not my type physically)...and that's all she wrote folks...of course I get the occasional text from Tyrone, but we all know he's only into playing games...and just recently Kenny came back, but we already discussed him and he's interested in (legit) my master's program...oh and not to mention....not my type physically.

There's so much ridiculousness here. I don't feel like things are supposed to be this way. I just never imagined someone's life truly being better less me in it. He suffered not at all...and that makes no sense to me. That makes me feel as though I was like this horrible person and the reason I went through what I went through and why I'm still alone is because I'm being punished. It's pretty disheartening. I don't even know what to do about any of that like at all.

So I say to myself, self...really now, let's be so for real...reflect on that time period...and I do. And I'm not convinced that I was an awful person to him. So...that theory is out the window...but why else are things as they are? In such disarray from my vantage point? I recognize that I'm in a place right now where either myself or my mate is being prepared for the other...but here again...something I continue to struggle with....what do I do in the meantime? I'm gettin' antsy all over again...and it doesn't help that I don't particularly like where I am. This city sucks and I'm not even distracted by other things. Work-wise life is no bueno. The students are cool, but the super sucks...and not to mention...that whole used-to-have-a-crush-on-him-slash-sometimes-I-still-kinda-do-even-though-he's-definitely-dating-jenell....ah

...anyway...the moral of the story is I don't know why I'm in the position I'm in and he's in the position he's in and I'm the one w/o an anybody...and he's got a somebody...what is going on in life?!?

So pretty much I suck at life...

...and that's sad. I'm definitely sure that before, during break I had this idea...I had actually created a story in my head...which I am prone to do....quite often actually. It's my internal gap-filling....when I don't have real answers or reasons or whatever, I take whatever evidence I do have and create a story that makes sense to me...or that is maybe secretly what I want the reality to be....either way....a little bit ago...like 2-3 weeks before school let out for Christmas, I got a text from Kenny. It was weird...'cause I hadn't seen Kenny since my graduation day, and I hadn't spoken to Kenny since he left UTA, like 2 years ago...so much to my surprise in his text he's asking me how I am and how life is and such. So I text back....and he doesn't say anything....until like 3-4 weeks later when I'm at home. He's asking me about my program at UGA and stuff and how I like it. Of course, all of this is via text message, so it's like super difficult and a bit irritating. So I give him like 4-5 texts full of info and I say it's hard to talk about the program via text, but if he has specific questions I'll answer them. He responds back suggesting we get together for lunch or whatever to discuss the program further....so of course now i go to creating the motive or the middle story....the thing that connects the random initial text and then connects this sudden interest in CSAA....clearly one other than the one he already gave me...which is that he is looking into a program...right?!? Yeah, so Ebonii says, most undoubtedly b/c Ebonii desperately wants some sort of attention from males in general....that he totally doesn't completely care about CSAA and the like...he really is just using that as an excuse to hang out with me. Right.....so he doesn't text me back the whole friggin' break...so again I continued with my story. Then I have dinner with Eleanor and he sends me a text message asking me when i'm going back to Georgia...so I use that as a jump off and I started telling her about random people that had popped up, and I started with Tyrone...it's just too easy to start there, 'cause he still sends me texts and I haven't figured out why, 'cause he rarely replies to them and he doesn't seem to actually awnt to talk to me...anyway....of course, really I was looking for an excuse to tell someone about Kenny (who knew him, 'cause before that I told Kendra and when I was like "right, like he really wants to talk about the program..." she was all like, "why wouldn't he want to talk about it?!?" and I'm like "...oh...huh?!?") so they could validate my story....well Eleanor does what I need her to do, and she's like Kenny never sends text messages and he never communicates with people, so he must be ready to settle down and he remembered that you were a good catch and he's comin' back to claim you....Her words, not mine...so I'm like yeah....so after that night...I tell him that I'd be leaving the next day and he says nothing....so I'm like ok...whatever...and then today he calls. I'm like "Kenny"...in my head....actually it was out loud, but I live alone...so it was one of those exclamations that wouldn't have been audible were others around...anyway...he calls and what does he want to discuss?!? Graduate programs in student affairs....I fail...and I know not of what I assume I do. Namely...I don't know squat about dudes...and reading between lines...especially via text message....probably mostly 'cause there are no lines to read between. Ah, fail...anyway...he says he had to leave and he'll call again this weekend to inquire further. Giant fail. Anyway....it was a nice thought and lovely story while it existed in my head....

....oh my no....I forgot to mention the boss man interaction from earlier.....that must wait....I'm pretending as though I don't have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow.....except for that I do. .....TBC...

My name is Mary Fiore

So I'm totally sitting on my couch in my living room watching Four Christmases. I've been in Athens for 24 hours now. Twenty four full hours, and it doesn't get any better. Unfortunately. I went grocery shopping and back to school shopping...and I attempted to go work clothes shopping (but that didn't go over too well). Back at home, I cleaned and put groceries and such away and rearranged my clothes in their suitcases and cleaned my closet and cleaned up the living room and now I'm sittin...watching a movie....a love story...good exciting thing, I feel totally like Mary at the beginning of The Wedding Planner. She gets home sits and eats and watches tv and then she cleans before getting ready for bed. That's so me right now. Woo...but then I was like, un-woo b/c I'm sitting. On my couch. Alone. and definitely so was Mary when she was there. Only she pretended that life was grand for her....and she filled her days with lots of stuff and was totally a control freak in order to maintain the "everything is so legit and peachy" kind of aura....oh my no....doesn't that sound so familiar?!? Yeah 'cause it's me!

This is not looking good already. I know when I'm sad I get fat and oddly enough when I'm happy I lose some and then I get a little fat after that....yeah, so when I moved to Athens I gained like 3-5 pounds...and when I went home for break I totally lost 4-5 pounds....hmm...

Alright...if I'm Mary...I'll be Mary...I'll take that....if she is me...If I am her....where's my friggin' Steve?!? Of at least my Massimo?!? Oh, boo.

Different Perspective

ALWAYS

WITH YOU

Read:
Psalm 25:4-10

The highway that winds around the southern shore of Lake Michigan can be tracherous in the winter. One weekend as we were driving back to Grand Rapids from Chicago, a buildup of snow and ice slowed traffic, caused numerous accidents, and almost doubled our drive time. We were relieved as we eased off the expressway onoour final road. It was then that my husband said out loud, Thanks Lord, I think I can take it from here."
   Just as he finished saying the words, our car spun around 180 degrees. As we came to a stop, hearts pounding, we could just imagine God saying: "Are you sure?"
   Why do we sometimes try to go it alone in life when at every moment we have access to God? He said: "I am with you and will keep you wherever you go" (Gen. 28:15). And He assures us: "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).
   Scottish mathematician, theologian, and preacher Thomas Chalmers (1780-1847) wrote: "When I walk by the wayside, He is along with me. When I enter into company, amid all my forgetfulness of Him, He never forgets me....Go where I will, He tends me, and watches me, and cares for me."
   What a comfort to know that God is always with us - we don't need to go through life alone!
                                                                                                         - Cindy Hess Kasper


This was the reading from my Daily Bread today. It is funny and interesting and much needed all at the same time. Definitely, in my last entry I was whining about how I saw all these other people on facebook who are totally engaged or hooked up. And it's interesting how in general as I've continued through life (romantic and just regular life) I keep trying to do everything on my own. That's one of my biggest vices. I don't let people in, and additionally I don't allow God to be the captain of my ship. As I've gotten older and matured I've definitely recognized how much better life is when I'm not attempting to live by my own rules....like I tried to explain to Aaron that it's amazing how when you stop trying to do it all, and truly allow God to lead the way, doors just begin opening up. Of course as a God-follower, you will still run up against trials, but with Him you will have the strength to make it through, and with Him you will travel down the path that has been set for you. I've said it before (not here of course) but I've always found it much easier to trust God to guide me towards my non-love life destination...I fought at first with the whole med school thing, but there's never been a doubt in my mind about not having a work path, or having somewhere to work....but I've always been frightened and hesitant to trust Him about me and love. And even though in deed I'm not trying to 'blaze my own trail' and do things my way....in thought I'm freakin' 'Doubting Didymous' and on top of that post the MW show, I feel like I've grown a lot and that I'm so ready for my Mr. Forever. And even though I'm not saying a word, I'm thinking plenty....and that's me stuck in my own way....that's me saying "I can take it from here"..... today's message was so important. I know trials will come....but I don't want the ones I do encounter be results of my 180 degree turn from saying "I got this". Ahh...so easy and yet so completely difficult. I dunno.

Lord God Father....guide me, and lead me in the way that I should go. Harden not my heart so that I will do nothing short of Your will. In your precious son's name Jesus I pray.

Amen.

This is why you should only ever get on facebook once a week.

Clickin' on friends and mutual friends and seeing just how many of my friends and old residnts fom undergrad have come along in life.....how 'bout 90% of them are in a relaionship, engaged, or married?!? Even some of the socially awkward ones. What the heck is wrong con la Ebonii?!?