So, I'm not sure what to think...

...I looked at myself in the mirror today and running the risk of sounding a bit conceited, I will say I am quite pretty. There was definitely a time when that word wasn't even close to being in my vocabulary. I hated the look of my face, my hair, my eyes, my nose, my everything. But I've definitely had a metamorphosis and the me I am at present is a happier, more pleasant and appreciative of the person she sees in the mirror each morning. With all that said...I have to stop and wonder...what the h am I doing wandering around this place called Earth all by my lonesome? I have a pretty good head on my shoulders; I'm pretty rational. I've been told I'm comical. I have goals and follow through. I am sweet, loyal and genuine. I feel like in general I have some awesome qualities and they're all wrapped in a nice package...so....yeah...that's all I have..."so...yeah"

I suppose...I guess I can go ahead and review the rest of the BG files. I ended with November 2011. Um, that's all that happened then. He ended the once a month viewing in October. Nothing happened in November.

December 2011

It started off in a good place. The first 2 weeks were top notch. It was a reprise of September. He was on it. I got calls pretty regularly like every other day. There were no call backs, but there were apologies. He called while I was at work and we spoke and it was just good. He'd told me in plain English, "I want to see you", but unfortunately that did not actually result in a visit. But still, calls and contact. That ended December 16th. He spotified again and the last time we spoke was December 30th when again he asks "when am I going to see you?" and I say to him, "whenever you make time to see me". He said he wanted to see me before the break was over...ha...it is January 4th. My break was over technically on January 2nd. Big ball of confusion.

So now I'm back to...I'm not quite sure what to think.

So...a lot of life has happened since August....

...nothing about that title should say complete positive forward progress...but events nonetheless should be conveyed. I shan't recount all of them because in all honesty I've done that in another blog world...my personal journal. Here's the quick and dirty.

August 2011

Late in the month I found some gumption and I made a deal with myself to try again but try not hoping for anything remotely romantic but purely platonic or non-existent. I prepared for nothing. I sent another message and this time I included a phone number. Our conversations begin.

September 2011

Great month. We spoke pretty regularly via text and then eventually via phone. There was visual contact...that's worded oddly...he came over my mom's house and our families had dinner. We had some brief alone time picking up some rolls from Texas Roadhouse. It was good. He appreciated my shoe strings. I was smitten. Probably, definitely prematurely.

October 2011

He gets weird. After a month of steady forward progression, at the start of October he gets spotty. He called one night at work and I went to return the call. He responds not. I try again and this is the first time (not to be the last) that he again does not respond. I don't hear from him until Sunday (he called on a Thursday)...and he seemed so nonchalant about it all. This month I began charting our contact cycle (I'm doing too much, probably, but it is what it is). I conveniently  became a once a week person. Generally on Thursdays. He'd text during the early part of the day and complete the day with a very brief phone conversation that ended prematurely with a "lemme call you back" and no call back. I eventually call him out on that line because it's annoying and bothers me (mature points for me)...and he changes once. My birthday of course was at the close of the month...and despite his hot/coldness we actually saw each other that weekend (twice...lol). It was actually quite awesome. I gave him a salsa dance lesson. We spent some really supremely awesome time at the lake ...there was some flirting and it seemed like mutual attraction. He came back to the house where the family was celebrating and stayed for a while. The culmination of the night came with a piggy back ride to his car and then yeah...the following day we had a couple's massage (no one saw the others nakedness) and good conversation post massage. Fin.

November 2011

So this month started...and I can't say that anything awesome happened. We're back to spotty conversation and my Thursday date has been moved to like Wednesday for a bit and then to any other random day. I don't get texts anymore and everything seems completely screwed up. We are g-chat friends and those conversations happen occasionally...which I guess one could say replace the texting business...but smh. I don't get him like at all. I had a conversation with him about the two hims I experience in hopes to see an actual change. He even made a bold statement and said he was going to come visit to get his next dance lesson. I actually got excited and cooked food (which I told him I would if he were to come visit)...but then he didn't call or g-chat and it sucked. Um...his birthday came...couldn't celebrate it because I had work. Tried to make it up to him but he blew me off. Which brings me to present. He called Friday and we addressed me saying he blows me off often...because he apparently disagrees. He ends the call with the infamous "lemme call you back". It is Sunday and I've not heard from him. Of our conversations he claims he's going to come visit me at my apartment...but that comment had already been made and nothing came of it so I'm more than skeptical.

There's still time in the month to see him to make our once a month in-person meeting cycle complete...but I dunno...it's funny...I saw him at the end of September, October and potentially if he makes a move this week...then November too. I am just as confused about him now as I was before. I have a ton of lingering questions I want to ask him in person...but since that never happens who knows if they'll ever get answered. Also...I don't know how he thinks of me...and I'd really love to know that so I can know how to proceed. His actions send mixed signals...so I'm at a loss. With him it's 1 step forward 2 steps back. 2 steps forward 5 steps back. So inconsistent. And aren't I the queen of consistency?!? Why yes, yes I am.

I'm definitely 26...and still friggin' single and trying not to get caught up in this hot sweaty mess of a non-courtship....

yearning, n. and adj.

"At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can be perfect."

It is amazing to me how other people manage to sum things up just perfectly when I can't even begin to dream of the right words to say or the proper syntax. Thinking always has been and probably always will be the thing that separates me from the best of times and my ultimate happiness. I wish I could hide the button and really take that memo from Nike and "just do it"...whatever "it" is. 

only, adj.

"That's the dilemma, isn't it? When you're single, there's the sadness and joy of only me. And when you're paired, there's the sadness and joy of only you."

 So there have been a number of different guys who combined were the "perfect" future for me. Or so I figure. There's that dance guy who traveled and spoke different languages and in a different font and he surrendered to an otherness that I'm not sure I will ever know. There were those 2 guys where talking to them was easier than I feel like it has ever been. The words just fall out of my mouth exactly the way I imagined them before we ever began our dialogue. With them I am at ease. I am calm. I am confident, or at least blissfully unaware of any desconfianza o duda de mi. I can playfully engage and even ask others out...others that I am not in the least bit attracted to, or am fearful of their potential lack of interest in me as well. I want that...I need that...I would like that to translate to my other interactions with others. Where I don't think about the possibility of a "no". I just go with purely carnal, hedonistic wants, thoughts, and notions in my head...and that is that. If it ends with a "yes"...legit...that's what I intended. If it ends with a "not right now" then I'm like ok...I'll plan for later.

I'm random I know. I don't make sense. But I totally do. Grr. I will get over myself and do something some day. I fear if I make a plan for some day then that day will never come...so I will plan to unplan and epitomize spontaneity. I will. I must. 

I, n.

"Me without anyone else."

I am 0 for 2...shooting 0% from the field

I can't win for losing on this message thing...this is exactly the way it ended last time...I initiate...he responds...I reply responding to his inquiry...he does nothing...

I should've learned from that experience...actually I did...and then I allowed myself to be swayed by outside influences...even though I kinda definitely knew how things were going to pan out...as much as I wanted to will God and the rest of the universe to have things go in a different direction...they definitely went in the way that things kinda always go...south. boo.

It will be what it is I suppose...so time for a u-turn and back to the interstate...I wonder where I'm headed this time...

I sent a message...

...I logged onto fb...he popped up into my newsfeed and I proceeded to open and send a (hopefully) very friendly and not-at-all awkward message saying

"Hey. You randomly popped up on my newsfeed and I thought we haven't seen each other in a good while and I wondered how you were....so...how are you? What have you been up to?"

I think the wording in that first sentence may be wrong...but that's pretty close. Now it's left up to him...and well...God...if this is supposed to blossom into a real friendship then so be it...if it's not...then we all know that I will get over it and move on. I can't help be admit that my life kind of definitely hopes it's the former rather than the latter.

What's done is done.

I want to send a message...

...but I'm more than terrified to do it. It's not a big deal I don't guess...it's just a simple message...but it really is a big deal. What if he doesn't respond? What if he thinks I'm a freak/loser/weirdo...what if I'm more than wrong about his relationship status and I go off and do something more than stupid? Arg...this would be so much easier if...I dunno he were to actually send me a message instead...I'm dreaming this I know...but come one...does a girl always have to reach out. Or...it would be infinitely easier if we were to be in the same place at the same time and no technology was necessary. That's actually the optimal situation. Ugh...I kinda had a message planned out a little bit...but then I looked at his fb page and ex-gf definitely has left comments on his wall and she's commented on some of his statuses. So...I don't know what to make of that. Does that just mean that they are good friends still...or does that mean that they might re-start something? Or have they already? All questions which technically could be answered if I were to send the dang blasted message...but potentially not in the event that he doesn't actually respond...b/c he could not respond b/c he's with homie-g...or who could not respond just because he's not interested...eek...boo...

I guess I should shut up about it b/c we all know that I am not going to actually do anything slash make a move or anything. Ah...woe is me who is a coward.

I think I'm gonna try...

...really hard to not like someone and maybe that'll turn into something. I've been having a week-long Romantic Comedy marathon...and it seems as though a good recipe for finding love is be unabashedly against it...and then boom...it's there. hmm...maybe that's a new priority of mine...maybe it won't be...we shall see...right now my job is to decide to continue being a scaredy cat and not send a harmless message to one BG...or to just do it and see where it goes...what harm can come from an email? Right?....not convinced...