I love mark torrez more than j.lo herself! Not really but i like him a lot!

What is wrong with me?!?

Seriously, this is a question I desparately need answered. I'm a giant ball of thoughts and emotions and highs and lows and everything elses...I don't know what to do with any of it. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to be doing with my right now. Should I be doing what I'm doing right now? Is this a test? If so, am I failing it? Why? That's the biggest question...I welcome the present...but why now? What is this? Am I going to serioulsy regret this later? When is later? Ah!

Saw the Back-up Plan. Twice now. And every time it gets to the end where Jen tells the guy that he needs to leave I can't help but see myself in that movie. The tactic she used was one I myself used too...but the different between her guy and mine is that he actually wanted to stay and mine did not. I don't know how not to freak out though...I don't know how to trust people really...I don't know how to do that...and I was hoping that I was getting practice with this new batch of people I'm surrounded by...new people to be potentially friends and I need to trust them right...but I'm in the same position as I've been in. I can't say that I trust most of them with my me...my full me that is. I feel like they're selfish ad they won't care for the things I give them as though they were their own. And if I see that in a person, why would I willingly give them such precious gifts? Would that not be beyond idiotic?!?

I have a very active imagination...

So...it's not secret that I read...a lot. And it should also come as no secret as I don't date....a lot....actually...probably closer to not at all...but you know, it is what it is (or at least that's how I'm going to deal with it right now).

Ok, so when I started this I was going to open up and say some very embarrassing things, right...but as I'm trying to get into the meat of life, I feel like I'm not going to be that open. Like for serious. We'll just say. I read. I imagine. And I imagine well. And it makes me sad. Ok done.

Is it their age...or is it more about race

I often wonder if there's something about the race of a guy that determinies his readiness for a longterm committed relationship...I used to think it was only the age thing...but now I'm sure it's like an amalgamation of age and race and upbringing/family life and timing I guess....I don't know...but ok...so one of my bestest friends, Brittany has definitely been in a relationship for just under a year. I think this month will make a year (not completely sure b/c it ain't my relationship and I'm not sure if they count the entire "pre exclusive" part as a part of this year or not)...anyway...in this almost year, it is already understood that their next stop is marriage. Period. I'm pretty sure I did that dance...for two years and that ended in...actually i'm not gonna finish that statement...it ended...and that's what's most important...so right so, the difference between Brittany and her bf and me and my then bf is that me and mine are black and she and hers are white.

So basically...it's time to do some personal research...polling the audience.