Ok so first thing, there is something so wrong with me. I am seriously having these weird feelings...all about the three-letter s-word that I don't do or really use...it's odd...and the thoughts/fantasies or whatever don't include dudes...wait...there's a guy, but he has no face...so it's not like I'm envisioning any particular person...I just feel. Aarrrgh...anyway...that's one thing that's problematic...and then at one point I thought there was a problem with BQ. Before I left school we made a ritual of going to see a movie every so often...and then when I come home for breaks now we always go to see something. It's fun. Well this last time was this past weekend. We say Shrek 4 (I think). Movie was good. He drove this time rather than us meeting there...his way of disproving the fact that he always subtly shoos me away after our talks post-film. Anyway...we watch the movie and then we went to Target so he could get a PS3 (I think a waste of borrowed funds...but it's not my job to pay it back, so who cares)...and then we went back to his summer abode just cause. We watched Criminal Minds (which I haven't indulged in in quite some time) so I was happy about that. He hooked up his system and we half-talked...eventually as I was preparing to leave, Dre came in and gave me the longest-tightest hug ever. It was nice, b/c I don't get hugs like that. BQ also made a point to create this sign that said I'm his number 1 priority this summer...a sign I'm sure was removed when I left...to make sure he's free of all speculation (or maybe that's what I secretly hope b/c I don't want others to speculate...I don't know). But yeah, so I leave. BQ walks me to my car. I turn it on, and get back out to say my official goodbye. He gives me a hug and picks me up from the ground. As he lowers me back down he gives me a kiss on the cheek. So...in my car on the way home I'm thinking to myself...is he getting serious?!? And then in the midst of a text message conversation he says
"Why can't you accept I like u ebonii. U always act like I shove u to the side"
So clearly, I left his grammar as he wrote it...anyway...so bundle that with a kiss and I'm thinking again...is he getting serious on me. Now...I don't recall what I responded back to him, and my new phone only keeps the last 20 sent messages, so there is no way to recover my responses...but I am wondering/afraid that he meant "like-like" when he said "like"...and I'm not there. I think BQ is a very nice guy, but a nice guy for someone else. He's sweet, but he's also still got some maturing to do. He's slightly homophobic, and he inadvertently plays games. I think he's going to grow into a wonderful man, but he's not there yet. I have fun hanging out with him b/c it's light, and he always asks for advice and that's one thing I enjoy giving. But if he's jumped the fence then that complicates things, b/c I'm cool with hanging out, but I don't want to lead him on. So since I'm too much of a punk to just ask (out loud) what his "like" means...I'm sitting in an awkward purgatorial place. I have to wait for him to show/do something that warrants me telling him that he doesn't actually like me, and that he has misplaced feelings, b/c he doesn't really know me. But until I know
Ok...I take all of that back...I just had a convo with Kolya...you know to talk it all out...and I think I'm good now...and on top of that I went ahead and asked BQ about the drive-in and he didn't really jump at the opportunity so I figure that means tat all is still in friendship land, which works well for my life.
Alright...I'm done with this...
